On the eve of my return to school

It's a strange feeling- I'm both scared and excited. I've been out of school for over a year, and it feels like much longer. I feel disconnected to the routines of it all, the requirements. I'm afraid I'm too old to be able to be competitive with the younger people. I mean....I'm 23. That's pretty old to still be working on your undergrad. And this is pretty much my last chance. If I screw up this time, that's it. I can't go back, I can't get another chance. It's do or die now. It's scary.

And at the same time, I'm so impatient. I've been so bored and antsy the last few months I've hardly known what to do with myself, and now I'm going to be a student again. I'm going to do it right this time. I'm going to pay attention to my schoolwork, practice for my lessons, be friendly with the other people in school. I'm not going to be such a failure this time.

Coils within coils

Fernando and I are moving in a week. Well, hopefully we are. Amber Manor gave us a Tuesday to move in and sign our lease and such, and sadly, Fernando works during the week at ridiculous hours. He applied for the day off, but I don't have high hopes- the company he works for are dickheads. Either way, I have to start packing and cleaning this week, and I can't really motivate myself to do it yet. Oh, I will later today, it's just we have so much stuff, so much crap, it's daunting to think about moving that myself, which I'll probably have to do if Fernando can't get the time off.

This weekend, we saw Inception. It's the latest in Christopher Nolan's pantheon of amazing thrillers, and I have to say, I found Inception to be the cornerstone of his works. The plot itself was perfectly paced even though the running time is well over 2 hours; I wasn't bored once. It pulls you right in to its world, so even when at first you're not entirely sure what's going on, you're never confused enough to pull away from the experience. Then the viewer proxy enters in the form of a highly talented and skilled dream architect named Ariadne, and through her, we learn about this world where dreams are plundered for information and sold, where there is a basic tenant that while extraction is possible, inception (the planting of an idea) is not. But Dom Cobb believes otherwise, and as we discover more about him, we learn that the reason he believes so is because he's done it himself. This serves the purposes of businessman Saito perfectly, for he wants Inception performed on a rival businessman. The whys are not really explored, and I found them almost to be irrelevant- it's not the purpose of the narrative to understand why.

As the team Cobb assembles enters the dream within a dream within a dream, I found the tension and suspense to be at almost unbearable levels, since it's not in just one plane, but FOUR. I was talking to Fernando about this after we left the movie, and he noted that the reason we cared was well done. For when you're in a dream, if you're killed, you wake, but in this multilayered dream that is necessary for inception, if you are killed, you enter limbo- you are lost. This fed well into the climax that built on itself for it felt like almost an hour. Joseph Gordon-Levitt takes the cake in the most thrilling sequences when he wrestles and disarms gunmen in a state of freefall weightlessness. ( I read that he performed his own stunts).

It would be easy to write this movie off as spectacle and an excuse for amazing stunts if it were not so tied in to melancholy, grief, and the strange barren landscape of dreams. Nolan captures this perfectly- the ultimate climax has such weight that when the movie had ended and the credits were rolling, Fernando and I sat in the dark not speaking for quite awhile, trying to digest what we had seen. It was like when you wake up after a particularly vivid dream, and you lie there staring at the ceiling, trying to catch it.

In other words, SEE THIS MOVIE.

A New (MMO) Hope

BUSINESS FIRST-I'm so excited and hopeful at this point, it's becoming unbearable. I'm starting school in about 2 weeks. Holy shit, it's only 2 weeks?! I'm moving to a new apartment in 11 days. I'm going to be meeting new people and teachers and musicians so soon, I'm getting beyond antsy.

Fernando and I decided that we should move closer to DeKalb because the apartments there are much cheaper than the area we're living now. It was kind of an adventure finding the right place, because a lot of places in Dekalb are a bit run down...but Amber Manor is not. Very nice complex, very clean apartments, very helpful staff, an INDOOR pool (for swimming even in winter!) and its location basically made it the perfect place for us to relocate. We were just approved yesterday, and we're signing the lease on the 17th. After I spoke to the leasing agent, I'm even more excited to live there; she informed me that they're giving me August's rent FREE. So even though we're moving mid month, we don't have to pay rent until Sept 1st. I was elated.

ON TO THE NERDY PART OF BLOG!

Fernando and I decided to quit WoW again, and this time it seems like it's for good. We've pretty much done all that mmo has to offer that interests us, and the next expansion is either A. changing things that we don't think should be changed or B. not addressed what should. It's just time to move on. Also, Star Wars the Old Republic is going to come out in April of 2011, and since we're burnt out on WoW, it would seem like a waste of money to buy the WoW expac and then play it for 3-4 months. Besides, there are like 6 games coming out on the Ps3 in that span of time that look hands down awesome, like The Force Unleashed II, Lord of the Rings: War in the North, Dragon Age 2, Fallout New Vegas, etc. And ALSO- I'm sick of not being able to buy books when I want because we've spent all our money on an mmo that we don't play half the time. MEH!

So yes, SWTOR is our new obsession. I've been tracking the forums and updates for that mmo like a starved person. It's a promising game, helmed by Bioware and the Knights of the Old Republic team. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a rabid Star Wars fangirl. I have graphic novels. I have the EU books (not enough of them, at that). Posters, other memorabilia, the first movie I can consciously remember watching in my life was Return of the Jedi. SO when a Star Wars mmorpg hits the rumor mill, I'm all over it. As stated above, it comes at a good time; I've burnt out of WoW and I'm looking for something that doesn't suck, that won't get boring, that combines my love for all things star wars, amazing story telling, and compelling mmorpg gameplay. This game looks like it'll deliver. I'm hoping, in a kind of vindictive way, that it finally gives WoW a run for its money. But that is mostly because I want SWTOR to be around for a long long time. I want to be one of the hard bitten mmo gamers that were there starting day one, through the beta, the patches, the bugs, and the inevitable influx of less hardcore gamers.

WORD

Sore feet

Holy God do my feet hurt. I was at NIU Transfer student orientation most of the day, and sadly not wearing very high quality shoes. But on the bright side, I can expect to lose some poundage with all the walking I'll be doing!

I feel pretty industrious today. After the all morning long tour and unsatisfying lunch, I registered for my ensemble classes with my adviser in 20 minutes. Did a survey, got my NIU ID, and I was out of there by 2pm. I'm home now, and I just finished registering for the rest of my classes. The music major classes I can't register for just yet, because I haven't taken the placement tests yet. Which reminds me, holy crap do I need to study for them. If I have to retake 3 semesters worth of Music History and Theory, I'm not going to be happy.

I wish Fernando was home. We need to figure out where we're going to live for the next 2 years. It's too expensive where we are now, I'm thinking it might be overall cheaper by the university.

Long time no post?

Er, I'm back! Kind of. The last 2 months have been more of the dreaded waiting pattern. I've been accepted into NIU, now what? Practice like hell, review theory, get ready to kick academics in the ass. About 6 weeks until school starts up, and God, I'm bored. Summer is in full swing now, and after about a month of enjoying the heat, I'm sick of it. I always get like this around July, wistful for the fall, the cooler weather, going back to school.

Part of it is that I'm lonely. Fernando and I are doing better than ever, but I have no other friends here. I moved to Illinois so I could hang out with my best friend Suzi more, and then she breaks up with her boyfriend Paul and moves back to Michigan. Fernando and I had kind of been getting to know Paul's friends, kind of becoming a part of their friend circle, but as soon as Suzi left, that went away. So the two of us are kind of alone here. Isolated. We both crave friendship. Maybe another couple to hang out with, go on double dates with. People to go on adventures with! Going back to school isn't just new possibilities for my future, it is a new beginning for my relationships with others too. When I was at WMU, I was closed off and antisocial. I was with a person who didn't encourage other relationships and all my free time was spent taking care of him. It's a long story that I don't want to get into, but the point is, things are different now. I'm older, more mature (at least a little), and eager to make friends.

I think the realization hit me a few weeks ago. A lot of people I know are getting married this summer, and it made me think about my own wedding. How they have close friends they ask to stand for them, whereas I can only think of a handful. One or two at the most. And Fernando's sister. It's . . . kind of sad.

I think that will be one of my goals at school. To try and make at least one good female friend. I have guy friends coming out of my ears; it's always been easy for me to relate to guys. It's harder with girls. I'm more like a guy than anything- I mean, I have a girly side, but for crying out loud, I'm a nerd. I like video games and Star Wars, RPG's and Beethoven. There aren't many people, let alone girls that I can relate to.

At the very least, I'm going to try and be less antisocial at school. I'll try to open up a little more.

Chugging along

God, I love spring. It's about one year ago when I woke up from the sadness that had defined my life for so long. Just when the land came alive again, the trees and the flowers blooming again, I woke up too. So now I will forever associate the spring of the world into the spring of my own heart, where everything was fresh and new and wonderful.

My birthday is coming up, along with my one year anniversary to Fernando. I'm feeling light, optimistic. My relationship with Fernando is stronger and deeper than ever, something forged on a foundation of intimacy and true understanding. I'm beyond lucky. I've been blessed beyond imagining.

My Dad had his last ever band concert, and Fernando and I went up for the weekend to see it, take pictures for posterity and such. My brother had gotten a video camera for his birthday (which was my idea :D) so he was running around the whole concert, getting it on film. I ran around with my standard point and shoot. Someday when Fernando and I have more money to toss around, I'll replace that camera. It's about 5 years old.

Life is good.

Reposted to Blog for posterity

I wrote a pretty scathing rant on the state of popular music today for facebook. It started because Suzi was telling me about this song she and her new boy share, Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. I was at best underwhelmed and at most repulsed. It sounded exactly like every other manufactured bullshit song tossed on the airwaves, and it kind of got me going on the entire subject. I hope Suzi isn't mad, since that shitty band sent me on a long, bitter, and cranky rant about shitty music today.

DISCLAIMER- Not all my friends are snobs like me, and so I'm sorry if anyone is offended by my opinion. I have no illusions that what I think is absolute truth and I'll never tell anyone they're wrong because I don't agree with them.

I think since 2005 I have been almost completely removed from popular music. If I have the radio on in my car, it's on 90.9 Chicago jazz, or 98.7 Chicago classical. I don't watch the TV shows that champion 'popular music', such as Gossip Girl. The extent of my knowledge of popular music extended to what I hear from the popular youtube program whatthebuckshow, which mostly makes fun of the artists. Yesterday though, at the request of a friend, I checked out some Owl City, which is apparently extremely popular since the hit single 'Fireflies' filled the radio waves last year.

Let me just say, I was pretty underwhelmed. While listening to a few of his tracks, I was struck at how processed the songs were. The lyrics were particularly bubbly and cheerful, but without substance, which appeals to a portion of the teens and 20 somethings out there. A little research revealed that the sole artist, Adam Young, relies heavily on AUTO TUNE and other processed musical effects to create the sound that so many love these days.

Let me just explain the abomination that auto tune is, for a moment. For those of you who don't know, auto tune is a program that allows the 'artist' to heavily edit his voice and correct any pitch problems that may rise up from, say, lack of ability. It has become so widespread that according to a sound engineer (who wishes to remain nameless) ""Let's just say I've had Auto-Tune save vocals on everything from Britney Spears to Bollywood soundtrack albums. And every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box." (Time, 2009)

You read that right. They ASSUME that you'll auto correct their voice while recording. Doubtless this is so the popular musicians of the day can continue their indulgent lifestyle without having to worry about such pesky things as practice and hard work honing their craft.

What this means for music as a forever growing and changing art form is dire. What auto tune has done has created a homogeneous slop of a sound that from artist to artist, more or less remains the same. Owl City, Ke$ha, Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, they're all guilty of this, regardless of what genre they pander to.

What struck me as most worrisome is that this tactic is calculated. While listening to their music, I didn't get the impression that they were desperate to express their inner creative force, or even to put their own personal stamp on the music industry. They are, more likely than not, interested in packaging a product for easy consumption and I have not heard one tune or track that would convince me otherwise. Lyrics that a 12 year old could write? Check. Liberal use of some variant of I-IV-vi-V? Check. Score your music in easy to play major keys, like C, Bb, F, or G? Check.

I'll cite Linkin Park as a decent example. Years ago, they crashed onto the music scene with a rock rap sound coupled with edgy, raw lyrics. In high school I adored them, as they put to music my own feelings of anger and angst quite well. I would never list them as musical paragons and fonts of endless creativity, but they had a sound and it was theirs. Along comes Minutes to Midnight in 2007. Gone was the sound that characterized them so well, and in its place was the same bland, boring, soulless musical product that had become the norm. They defended their album to outraged fans, saying this was their new 'creative' direction, but I don't think there was anything creative about it. They wanted in on the gravy train, but in sacrificing their sound, they lost what made them Linkin Park.

And the worst part of this whole debacle is, artists of today know they can get away with it. They are merely packaging and releasing what the public wants to hear, all wrapped up in a pretty face (with Auto Tune in the background). Gershwin is old man music, Beethoven is music for corpses. If you want to get with the sound of TODAY, you need to cram it and suck down your processed emo-rock-pop like a good little consumer. How does anyone stand this?

I say we hold our artists to a higher standard, for one. The use of Auto Tune in lieu of talent and skill is unforgivable. Asinine lyrics cranked out without a trace of irony is inexcusable. I beg everyone to find artists who make music just for the joy of it, not because they have dollar signs for pupils. The money and fame that a star invariably finds should be a perk, a side benefit, and NOT the reason you're a musician.

Everyone do me a big favor and watch this video of Frank Sinatra singing "Where or When"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtDOQMyUAU0

Listen to the way he phrases each line, building up and holding back. His voice is expressive beyond my ability to describe properly; he gives life to the words he is singing. And at the end of the song, his voice mixes perfectly with the orchestra and builds from a whispered hush to something powerful. He is perfectly in tune and perfectly in control of what his voice is doing technically, and he is doing it without Auto Tune.

See, back in the 50's, when this was recorded, a singer had to rely on training, talent, and the pipes God gave him to create a track, but I'll be damned if the finished product isn't something more powerful and moving. The music artists today create is devoid of expression beyond a catchy lyric or two, but in days past, a singer had to interpret and express. At the end of this rendition of "Where or When" I have chills. At the end of Miley Cyrus' "7 things" I feel mildly disgusted and used.

The optimist in me would love to believe that this is a passing fad that will die out in a few years and be remembered fondly in "I love the two Thousands" programs. But from what I understand of humanity, auto tune and commercially standardized music represents the easy way out for artists looking for the fame and success without the work involved. If we continue on this track and refuse to hold our favorite bands up to artistic integrity, we might as well have robots belting out the no. 1 hit single on the radio.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1877372,00.html

Goofy Fun!

I used to do this a lot in high school, and I think I will start again, since I've changed.

You are a Social Liberal (93% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (6% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test...

The Liberated Lover

86% partner focus, 57% aggressiveness, 80% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:



You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.



This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.



The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."



In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.



Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.



Congratulations!



If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:



Nerds, Geeks & Dorks



Professional Wrestling




Buffy the Vampire Slayer




America/Politics





Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

Take The Lover Style Profile Test at OkCupid

Probably the only thing off about this result is that I like to be pursued very much.

Around the Corner

It's been a busy week. Has it been a week? Maybe it's been 2 weeks. I don't know. A lot has happened, that is for sure. After the disasterous audition at WMU, I went into overdrive applying to other schools and setting up auditions for them. I encountered the most positive reaction at Northern Illinois University. As soon as I called the Admissions Coordinator and explained my situation to her, she jumped into overdrive setting things up for me. She and I both contacted the cello professor, and from there I set up an audition for just a few days later. I mean, I had the music all prepared, why the hell not?

He lives in the outskirts of the city, so it was kind of a crazy adventure getting there, seeing as I'm a country girl and definitely not used to navigating rush hour city traffic. Or crazy city parking. But I managed to get there in one piece, so I trudged up to his 3rd floor apartment. He had broken his leg pretty badly so he was recovering at home. It ended up being pretty convenient too, since his apartment is closer to mine than mine is to the school. Anyways. I rocked that audition. I played REALLY well and I impressed him, so much so, that he emphatically accepted me on the spot AND gave me a huge scholarship recommendation! I was stoked. Pumped. Elated. Say what you will, it was like the doors were opening up for me. You know that saying? When one closes, another opens? It's so true, especially if you get off your ass and get to work.

So 2 days after my audition, I went to the university itself for a tour and meeting with Lynn (the admissions coordinator). I have to say that I LOVE the campus. It heavily recalls campuses of the East Coast, old looking stone buildings with ivy and vines crawling up the sides, I love it love it love it. I got kind of lost, but managed to find the music school, which is right on the end corner of campus, with a lovely river right in front of it. I was totally in love. I spoke with Lynn and she was extremely informative and helpful. She gave me a bunch of material that would help Fernando and I find an apartment, what classes I'll have to take for my degree, etc. Above and beyond. After we spoke for awhile, she gave me a quick tour of the building, and then took me to an orchestra rehearsal. The orchestra alone plays 5 concerts in a school year, and one of those is an OPERA cycle. Yeah, I'm totally in love.

So this week, I had to send in some recommendation letters to the music department for my music school application to be complete. I asked my old orchestra teacher to help me out, and he sent one in on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait. Not wait to be accepted, but wait to see how much my scholarship is. Obviously, the more the better.

I also quit WoW, finally. It was kind of a long time coming, you know? I've been having less and less fun in that game as the months went on, so I closed up the guild, told the members, sent them all some good stuff out of the guild bank, and cancelled my subscription. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Now it's been a week since I quit and seriously...I feel amazing. I don't have something weighing me down. I don't have to sign on to a game that was becoming less and less fun at such and such time every night to get squabbling whispers about loot and raid line ups.

I'm actually playing a new mmo now, a different one. I'm a huge Tolkien fan, so I'm playing the lord of the rings online mmo...and having more fun than I thought I would.

March was a big month for lots of change. So far, change for the better. Hopefully before the month is out, I'll hear about the scholarship. Here is hoping.

It all works out

Last time on Nerdy Musician, I asked for luck. It's funny how things work out sometimes, and you just have to be receptive to the lessons of life. If something isn't working out, it probably isn't meant to work out, not after you put a lot of hard work into it. I mean, I'm not saying that you should give up without trying, but if you're working something hard, and it falls through anyway, there is a reason for that. There is something better out there.

I pretty much failed my audition. It was actually pretty odd how it happened, and at first very heartbreaking. I worked VERY hard for it, I practiced every day for months. I sounded GREAT in the practice room. Sounded amazing. Multiple people came in to hear me play, and I was without nerves, sounding fantastic. But as soon as I got into the room, with Uch and Prof Knific and Fedetov, I kind of lost it. I was so nervous that my hands shook and I couldn't play anything. The atmosphere was awful, as soon as I walked into that room, I was being judged against the impression I had left. I couldn't fight it. That's why it was so heartbreaking at first, because I had sounded amazing like 10 minutes before sounding like a totally different cellist. Prof Knific was being nice, but Uch said things like "we can't make any promises" which just means 'wait list'.

I was crushed for about 10 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got back to work. One closed door doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting back to school, and I'm going to keep working until I achieve my goal. I realized that maybe even if I do get accepted back into WMU, I don't know if I'll return. I realized that I'd be literally working overtime to try and prove these people wrong about me, and if I want to succeed, coming back to an environment like that is probably not the best idea.

With that in mind, I applied to 4 great universities in Illinois. Since I"ve been living here for 6 months I get in state tuition now. I've missed a few of the audition dates for 2 of the music schools, and 1 of the universities, but that doesn't stop me. I contacted all 3 places asking if a late audition ASAP was possible. And of course I'll call these places on Monday.

It can either be heartbreaking or refreshing when your plans change. Right now, I'm exploring my options with joy and excitement. And I'm thankful for this experience, because if I had gotten my way, gotten back into WMU without any trouble, I would be wandering back into an atmosphere that is toxic. Phew.

A plea to the forces of the Universe for luck

I'm prepared, I know my music completely by heart, memorized forwards and backwards. I've practiced the difficult passages until my fingers hurt. I'm ready, I can do this. How well I do tomorrow depends on if I can keep my anxiety under control, if I can get enough time to warm up (hopefully AT LEAST 2 hours), and what the other kids auditioning sound like. Like Uch said, if all he got this year were little yo yo mas, I'm fucked. But, I'm not a bad cellist. I slip up, but I'm in tune, expressive. I can do this.

War left the guild yesterday. Well, to be accurate, I kicked his sorry ass out. He decided that the guild that has housed him and taken him on raids for the last half a year is now 'holding him back' even though I'm pretty sure we cleared the first part of top tier content first week we tried it. Honestly, what he was bitching about was the fact that I called off raids for one week, and no one was signing on. Raids were scheduled for the coming week, and people have been signing up, but in his dumbass brain, that means this guild is 'going nowhere.' He said like five times that we're crap and we're holding him back, and he's got to move on to 'better things'. So I kicked him out and ignored him, and less than 24 hours later, I found another tank healer, hopefully one without the attitude.

I found this really interesting website will surfing earlier. Read it and be somewhat disheartened at humanity.
http://contexts.org/socimages/

One week...

Just 6 more days I have to prepare.

I told the guild I wasn't going to schedule raids or sign on at all next week. Honestly, that stupid guild drives me out of my head sometimes. With people complaining, bitching, whining, egos abound, taken people flirting over vent and making the raid awkward, ex raid leader sitting around and refusing to get on vent and just being a putz with an attitude, goddamn, I need a break. Can anyone in their right mind blame me? I just need to get away from these people.

Actually, this makes me consider how I will deal with the guild once I get back into school. There is no way I'm going to have the time and energy to manage things the way I do now. So I wonder, am I going to have to hand the guild off to someone else? G disband? Quit wow altogether? In all likelyhood, probably. Aside from all the work school is going to be, I"m probably going to have a job, and I really hope I have a social life. Haha.

Anyways, the audition material is actually pulling together better than I could have hoped. Concerto just has some minor detail issues, and one spot I need to practice in tempo. Bach is also minor detail work, reminding myself I can't rush. The etude? I'm kind of blown away at how the etude doesn't sound like a pile of crap. I didn't think I would be able to pull the etude off... but I am!

I tweaked the knuckle of my third finger on my left hand yesterday, though. That is something I'm going to have to be aware of in practice in the next few days. But a week from today, I will either be celebrating or ... being depressed. Heh. I don't think Mr. Uchimura and the music department is going to keep me hanging. Unless I do really badly. Eek.

Poison

It's something I still need to work on, I guess. But once I get in a bad mood, I screw up everything around me. I'm mad at the guild, I'm mad at my boyfriend. Mad at the cello. Mad at myself.

I'm frustrated and insecure. I feel like no matter how hard I work at this audition, at being a cellist, I won't pull it off. I don't have faith in my skill. I think about people telling me they're not impressed, that I didn't work hard enough.

I'm frustrated at all this time I spend fucking babying the guild. Set up this roster here, make sure everyone has enough dps, and then someone doesn't show up, or they give me shit about not getting to show up, and it ruins me for the rest of the night. I don't get paid for this shit. Why do I even bother with these selfish assholes who probably don't give a shit about me.

This is why I'm difficult. I told you it would be like this. I warned you. And you said you didn't care, but you do. It wears on you. It's like wiping the ass of a fussy child.

And now I can't sleep. I think I'll be up the whole night. I don't care. You don't care. Why should you?

Fingers scrubbed raw

In a new high of self destructive amazingness, I have managed to bite the nail of my left index finer back by almost a quarter. It's not bleeding, amazingly, because there is some justice in the world, I imagine. It hurts when I play, but I've managed to play an hour and a half today despite it.

I'm kind of a mess. 2 weeks until my audition and I'm starting to feel the pressure. This morning I hacked away for about an hour before I had to walk away- I was so tense the muscles in my FOREARMS hurt, which is pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing. I went back again, took things slower and distanced myself from the stress. And it went better, but still hack. I took my hands away from the cello and they were shaking; probably from forgetting to eat breakfast.

I need to keep my anxiety under my will and control. I CAN do it, I can really wow everyone. So I will. I'll take another break, until my muscles don't feel weak, and go back at it again. Repeat and repeat and repeat.

The best thing is, everything in my audition program is roughly under my fingers- it just needs detail work now. I can do that, I can make everything sound clean. I have to remind myself I'm in a good place. Having my program roughly learned is better than still stumbling around. Now, everything needs to be perfectly in tune, perfectly executed. Clean up this shift here, that fumbling finger there.

Even though I feel the pressure, I feel strong and in control. I am able to keep my anxiety at bay. When I feel too much tension creep into practice, I get up and walk away and do something else until I have unwound. And when I go back, I see that I can last longer than the last time before becoming tight.

Now I just need a montage. Heh.

Fail raid...

Since I am a pretty insufferable nerd, I am a GM in a world of warcraft guild. Because if anyone knows me, they know that when I get into something, I go balls to the wall. The guild in question is a raiding guild, and right now we're raiding the top tier content, Icecrown Citadel. It's motherfucking hard. It's retarded, takes an obscene amount of teamwork, which up until tonight the guild has been showing in spades.

Tonight, frankly, sucked balls. I think the last time we played so poorly was 4 months ago in Naxx- now there are some scary ass memories. Tonight we did the alliance gunship battle and deathbringer saurfang. While gunship is supposed to be easy train, Saurfang is gimicky, annoying, and hard as hell. Tellingly, we did badly on BOTH fights. We managed to down the gunship battle after the 2nd try, but Saurfang took 5 attempts, which is pretty pathetic by our usual standards.

It was the execution. Dps is pretty good, healers (myself and warbringer) and the tanks (fernando and andrax) are great. But this fight has a lot to do with crowd control, and for some special reason it took us 5 tries to get that part down. And everyone was playing poorly tonight. Warbringer is a generally ok guy, but he's cocky as all hell. When he's doing great, everything is awesome; his pontificating on how leet he is can be endearing. When he screws the raid over not healing the tanks like he's supposed to, he becomes petulant and butthurt, especially if you bring it to his attention that he's not doing his job.

We had a problem with Nubbz too- earlier before raid, he was going on and on about he was super leet in this fight, how he always crowd controls by himself. He also made a comment about how he expected Fernando to screw us over because Pally tanks are weak in that fight (pally tanks use a lot of aoe, which you can't do for fear of messing up the crowd control). I thought it was a pretty poor assumption of someone who has proved themself to be skilled at tanking. It was especially interesting when Nubbs had to get help from the other druid we had along for crowd control- he STILL tried to blame it on Fernando sometime around wipe 4. So stupid.

Anyways, we managed to down the boss, but it wasn't really a victory. Both Fernando and I were too annoyed to take part in the celebrations. And we ditched not long after.

Tomorrow, I'm just going to play cello, and not deal with the guild. I've got cranky raiders mad that they can't come to all raids, cranky raiders pissed that they're not getting preferential treatment, cranky raiders pissed when I point out the mistakes their making. I feel like I spend all this time making the guild a great place for people to play and I don't get any thing back at all, except for the accomplishment maybe. One person (out of like 40 people in the guild, past and present) has thanked me for doin what I do. ONE!

Like I said, tomorrow, is cello day. The next 2 weeks are cello days. I refuse to deal with any more guild bullshit until my audition is over.

I'm a fan of you

Once again I delved into the world of blogging. I kept a blog when I was a freshman in college, but after I faceplanted out of school I fell out of the practice of journaling, mainly because there was nothing about that particular time I wanted to remember. But now I've decided that momentary self inspection (in the form of a blog) could be healthy, and useful for keeping my mind active.

I'll warn you right now though, there isn't really anything going on in my life...just yet. Things are in a holding pattern, waiting for a few big moments to come to pass, and then it'll start chugging along again. Well, I shouldn't say that there isn't anything going on in my life, just that there isn't anything NEW. Why do I sound so petulant in this paragraph? Ugh.

A lot hinges on this audition in 2 weeks. Whether or not I'll be accepted back to Western to finish my degree in cello performance is an event in of itself, but on top of that, there is the matter of scholarship and whether I'll gain any. I don't think I will- I sound like a hack. I've always been a hack cellist, and I don't think that has changed.

Well, I should try to be fair to myself. The Bach sounds quite good overall. And the concerto is about 70% good/ 30% questionable. I don't even want to talk about the etude though. In fact, today I should just practice the etude and nothing else.

I spent my whole night trying to think of a name for this blog, and now that I chose one, I'm kind of irritated at it. It's pretty stupid.

I had a blogspot a few years ago, and my friend Dan had created this AWESOME format for it, so I'm going to resurrect that format because it is just too cool to be wasted on a graveyard blog. Cheers to you, my friend.

Maybe I'll be able to convince Fernando to blog again also- he has a very philosophic mind- his would be the kind of blog you can't wait to read the updates just because they make you think. I can't generate that kind of interest. My mind is too tangental now. All my focus is being used up for the audition.