Fingers scrubbed raw

In a new high of self destructive amazingness, I have managed to bite the nail of my left index finer back by almost a quarter. It's not bleeding, amazingly, because there is some justice in the world, I imagine. It hurts when I play, but I've managed to play an hour and a half today despite it.

I'm kind of a mess. 2 weeks until my audition and I'm starting to feel the pressure. This morning I hacked away for about an hour before I had to walk away- I was so tense the muscles in my FOREARMS hurt, which is pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing. I went back again, took things slower and distanced myself from the stress. And it went better, but still hack. I took my hands away from the cello and they were shaking; probably from forgetting to eat breakfast.

I need to keep my anxiety under my will and control. I CAN do it, I can really wow everyone. So I will. I'll take another break, until my muscles don't feel weak, and go back at it again. Repeat and repeat and repeat.

The best thing is, everything in my audition program is roughly under my fingers- it just needs detail work now. I can do that, I can make everything sound clean. I have to remind myself I'm in a good place. Having my program roughly learned is better than still stumbling around. Now, everything needs to be perfectly in tune, perfectly executed. Clean up this shift here, that fumbling finger there.

Even though I feel the pressure, I feel strong and in control. I am able to keep my anxiety at bay. When I feel too much tension creep into practice, I get up and walk away and do something else until I have unwound. And when I go back, I see that I can last longer than the last time before becoming tight.

Now I just need a montage. Heh.