Today is just one of those days where I feel like crawling out of my skull. The world is cast over; things seem darker to me, like everything around me is under exposed. Positive, happy thoughts seem to take years to travel through me, and by the time they reach my lips, they've lost substance, hollow skeletons blowing in the wind. Basically, I'm in a terrible mood.
I despise school. I'm tired of it. I feel like I"ve been doing things because I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. You're supposed to go to school and get a bachelors degree. You're supposed to just keep your head down, do your work, and shut the fuck up about it. Everyone goes through the same thing; what makes me so special? Nothing, really. Except for the fact that I just can't shut the fuck up about it. I can't keep my head down and obey. There is a part of me that always wonders 'why?' or 'what is the point?' And when I can't come up with a point, or when the effort involved doesn't balance out the reward, I get upset. I get discouraged. I get really frustrated.
I've chosen to do a music degree. Cello performance. I decided to do this when I was 16 years old, and so far I have not ever deviated from that goal. I went to college because everyone goes to college after they graduate from high school. I felt proud of myself that I KNEW what I wanted to do, as opposed to my peers who seemed to wander from subject to subject, unsure.
Maybe they had the right idea. Maybe it was a bad idea to be in school to begin with. So far all I've done is accrue debt. I don't feel any closer to my degree than I did six fucking years ago. To be more fair to myself, I transferred schools between states, and a lot of the credits I'd earned in WMU were not counted here at NIU. But still, dammit. I should have more to show for all this damn time in school. A degree. Some kind of tangible skill or knowledge that will serve me in the wide, scary world. Unless you count life experience as part of that, I'm kind of boned, because I'm pretty sure you can gain life experience without blowing 15k a year in a university. That just comes from being fucking alive.
So my problem is, I just . . . can't justify school to myself. I sit in class and feel like I'm waiting for the pistol to sound the start of the race. I can't shut that voice up in the back of my head; the one that is chanting 'why? why? why? how is this relevant? why are you wasting time?' I can't get the thought out of my head that I'm just getting this stupid degree because it's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to have a bachelors degree. It's practically the new high school degree; any decent job out there requires one.
Except, the economy is screwed so many times over that there is this over saturation of people with degrees who can't get jobs. So there's that. Why am I driving myself deeper into debt if I'm going to come to teh same end? College graduate with a useless degree, wandering around applying for jobs at fast food restaurants because nothing else is fucking available.
It's kind of like how people buy houses because that's what you're supposed to do. It's an 'asset'. It's valuable, and will only grow in value. I mean, maybe that was true a few years ago, but it sure as hell isn't true now. You buy a house, you're essentially buying a box for you to die in. You're buying a ball and chain that's going to keep you somewhere, and should you ever need to move, ha! Forget about it. You'll be sitting in that house for a long time, and IF you're lucky enough to sell, it's not going to be for as much as you bought it for, regardless of how much you sunk into it. The exact thing happened to my parents. They bought a gorgeous house, spent all this money in improving it, and then when they wanted to move, they managed to sell it, but at a substantial loss. So why the fuck is everyone still buying houses?
I don't know. I don't claim to be an expert on the situation. It just seems so weird to me that we're all doing the same things in life; college, marriage, babies, houses. We're all standing in the lunchline, getting the same slop slapped onto our trays, even though that slop might not be the best for us.
So you're probably saying 'Well, what do you want to do, Jillian? Aside from complain? ' I want to write books. That's that. I have a list of ideas I've been collecting, notes I take whenever something occurs to me. I daydream about my characters and the things they'll do and say to each other. I write little snippits of scenes when I have the focus. That's what I want to do. And I'm happy when I write. I know the publishing world is difficult (understatement, lol) and I know it takes monumental effort to write and edit a novel well enough for it to see the light of day. I don't care. Writing is just about the only thing I do these days that makes me happy.
And this is what frustrates me most. I'm in school, learning a bunch of stupid things that I won't strictly need in my life as an adult. I'm doing all of this INSTEAD of writing. INSTEAD. I guess we can boil all my bitching down to that one fact.
Well, go cry about it some more. This is what being an adult is like, you say. Well, maybe I don't want to be an adult. Maybe I don't want to be a person in that unending lunchline, getting all the requisite foods dumped on my plate.
I don't know. I can't really talk to anyone about this stupid bullshit, because everyone I know is going through stuff that is way worse than what I am. Wahh I can't write my books. I think if I knew myself, I would punch myself in the throat for being a whiny asshole. And yet, I can't help it. Telling myself that I'm being a fucking baby doesn't magically make me less frustrated with my life. It makes me frustrated and then mad at myself for being a fucking baby.
Suzi tells me I'm too much in my head. Yeah, I know that's true. That's the problem, isn't it? I can't do, say, or observe anything without going on some stupid mental pilgrimage over all the different things I think about it.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
That breach
It's times like these where I wonder if there is seriously something wrong with me. It's a fair enough assumption. Most of the time I just wander along in life, forcefully oblivious to the fact that I am awkward and usually not on the same wavelength with my peers. It's a common enough occurrence that it can generally be ignored. But then there are days like today where I am nearly assaulted by the realization that I just don't mesh with people and the world and the trajectory expected of me.
Via the horrifying wonder that is facebook, I realized that I am just... not on the same page. Specifically, most of the people I went to high school with are settling down now; getting married, buying houses, having kids.
I hate this. I mean, I don't hate that they're doing this; it's the standard for a reason. It brings them a lot of joy and fulfillment, and I love that. What I hate is the expectation, the assumption that there might be something defective in me for not jumping at the chance to be a real adult. I don't WANT to be a real adult. The most I've been able to allow myself in that front is to get married, which is more of a formality than anything, considering I've been living with my fiance for two years.
I think what unnerves me the most is having children. I know it's expected of me. I mean, come on; it's the responsibility of the human race to procreate. But the thought of having children of my own terrifies me. I'm not talking about a vague sense of discomfort. I'm talking whenever I think about being pregnant and raising a child, my stomach curls in on itself, and I feel the urge to vomit. I'm talking a real, white-boned fear.
It's a few things. First of the all, pregnancy itself is horrifying. I'm vain enough to not want to gain weight at all, and some of the things I read about pregnancy just make my skin crawl. I'm not going to go into them, because like I said, they scare me. But at the core of this fear is something deeper. I'm terrified of actually raising a kid.
For one thing, I like being a giant kid myself. I stay up late, sometimes I have popcorn for dinner. I can spend a whole day writing if I want, or playing the cello. Fernando and I have the freedom to go on dates whenever we want, and we're more or less at liberty to spend whatever we want (I say more or less because Fernando is very frugal).
But beneath all that selfishness and vanity is the real crux of the issue; I am scared to death of ruining some kid. Of screwing up parenting. I mean, it's a fair assumption. I'm not a perfectionist, I'm clumsy, I'm awkward. I screw up things with the ease of breathing. It's just, when you think about it, every single thing you do and don't do will affect that child somehow. Extremes of either side result in dire repercussions for your child, and so you're required to perform this impossible balancing act. You're up there on that wire and pitching over on either side is dire.
THis is the fear I'm talking about. Even just speculating what it would be like to be a parent fills me with such fear that I don't know what to do with myself. I wouldn't call myself a cowardly person. I like adventures and exploring. I dislike conflict, but that doesn't have to do with bravery. But just mention becoming a parent and all that just vanishes in a snap.
So that's what I'm talking about. I have to assume that my peers don't feel this fear, and if they do it's not to this extent, because I can't imagine them going through with having kids if they felt the way I feel about it. And then, I realize that we're just encased in different spheres, different lives. They're adults, and I'm a random woman-child, running around taking part in foolish nonsense, scared of the important things.
Via the horrifying wonder that is facebook, I realized that I am just... not on the same page. Specifically, most of the people I went to high school with are settling down now; getting married, buying houses, having kids.
I hate this. I mean, I don't hate that they're doing this; it's the standard for a reason. It brings them a lot of joy and fulfillment, and I love that. What I hate is the expectation, the assumption that there might be something defective in me for not jumping at the chance to be a real adult. I don't WANT to be a real adult. The most I've been able to allow myself in that front is to get married, which is more of a formality than anything, considering I've been living with my fiance for two years.
I think what unnerves me the most is having children. I know it's expected of me. I mean, come on; it's the responsibility of the human race to procreate. But the thought of having children of my own terrifies me. I'm not talking about a vague sense of discomfort. I'm talking whenever I think about being pregnant and raising a child, my stomach curls in on itself, and I feel the urge to vomit. I'm talking a real, white-boned fear.
It's a few things. First of the all, pregnancy itself is horrifying. I'm vain enough to not want to gain weight at all, and some of the things I read about pregnancy just make my skin crawl. I'm not going to go into them, because like I said, they scare me. But at the core of this fear is something deeper. I'm terrified of actually raising a kid.
For one thing, I like being a giant kid myself. I stay up late, sometimes I have popcorn for dinner. I can spend a whole day writing if I want, or playing the cello. Fernando and I have the freedom to go on dates whenever we want, and we're more or less at liberty to spend whatever we want (I say more or less because Fernando is very frugal).
But beneath all that selfishness and vanity is the real crux of the issue; I am scared to death of ruining some kid. Of screwing up parenting. I mean, it's a fair assumption. I'm not a perfectionist, I'm clumsy, I'm awkward. I screw up things with the ease of breathing. It's just, when you think about it, every single thing you do and don't do will affect that child somehow. Extremes of either side result in dire repercussions for your child, and so you're required to perform this impossible balancing act. You're up there on that wire and pitching over on either side is dire.
THis is the fear I'm talking about. Even just speculating what it would be like to be a parent fills me with such fear that I don't know what to do with myself. I wouldn't call myself a cowardly person. I like adventures and exploring. I dislike conflict, but that doesn't have to do with bravery. But just mention becoming a parent and all that just vanishes in a snap.
So that's what I'm talking about. I have to assume that my peers don't feel this fear, and if they do it's not to this extent, because I can't imagine them going through with having kids if they felt the way I feel about it. And then, I realize that we're just encased in different spheres, different lives. They're adults, and I'm a random woman-child, running around taking part in foolish nonsense, scared of the important things.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Hope and Inspiration
Back from Puerto Rico. It was . . . well, it was interesting to be away for awhile. It was nice to see Fernando's family and hang out a bit. It got a bit tense at the end, and I'm not going to lie; toward the last few days, I started to go nuts. Here's why:
I missed home. I missed my cello, really missed my cello. I would kind of zone out every now and then, using my right arm as a kind of fingerboard to practice my fingerings. And, I missed writing. I brought my laptop with me in the hopes of writing in my spare time (of which there wasn't much), but that didn't work out. When I write, I have a kind of routine. I sit on my futon, I put my giant headphones on and listen to a very select number of albums. Or sometimes I sit at my desktop, depending on my mood. But once I'm situated, I go for hours. I've spent entire days doing nothing but writing, starting at 7am and only stopping when Fernando comes through the door. I couldn't get into that focus while in Puerto Rico.
And what's worse, once I got home, it took me a few days to get back into the swing of things. I'm only just starting to write again today, and we returned home last Friday. I need to work on my recovery time if I'm going to be a real writer.
Inspiration is a strange thing. I'm finding it kind of an adventure to map out the stimuli that inspires me to write, the things that get the juices flowing, so to speak. There is a kind of understanding there. Writers (good ones, anyway) need to observe and evaluate. A good writer needs a greater than average insight also. It's beyond me to try and quantify all the things necessary to become a good writer though.
I spent the last few days in an absorb phase; I read an obscene amount. Though is any amount of reading ever obscene? I've noticed that I tend to read with a much more critical eye now; I pay much greater attention to word choice, detail, flow, the percussive elements of structure, and what makes a sentence sound good as opposed to clumsy.
I'll be honest; when I first read Twilight, I really liked it. Very much. I was in a bad relationship, desperate for any scraps of romance that could be had in the world, but also it's an entertaining enough story that I enjoyed the way you enjoy a fast food meal; you know it's bad, but you like it. But I'd never realized how bad it was until just recently! I tried re-reading it just a few days ago, and I'm struck by how rudimentary the writing is. I don't think I'm an excellent writer, but I've written better things than Stephenie Meyer has. Fernando tells me my Scholar and the Flame story was phenomenal, and my Leto story was visceral and gripping.
I don't know whether to feel hopeful or discouraged. Does the quality of Twilight bode well or ill for my chances to be published?
I missed home. I missed my cello, really missed my cello. I would kind of zone out every now and then, using my right arm as a kind of fingerboard to practice my fingerings. And, I missed writing. I brought my laptop with me in the hopes of writing in my spare time (of which there wasn't much), but that didn't work out. When I write, I have a kind of routine. I sit on my futon, I put my giant headphones on and listen to a very select number of albums. Or sometimes I sit at my desktop, depending on my mood. But once I'm situated, I go for hours. I've spent entire days doing nothing but writing, starting at 7am and only stopping when Fernando comes through the door. I couldn't get into that focus while in Puerto Rico.
And what's worse, once I got home, it took me a few days to get back into the swing of things. I'm only just starting to write again today, and we returned home last Friday. I need to work on my recovery time if I'm going to be a real writer.
Inspiration is a strange thing. I'm finding it kind of an adventure to map out the stimuli that inspires me to write, the things that get the juices flowing, so to speak. There is a kind of understanding there. Writers (good ones, anyway) need to observe and evaluate. A good writer needs a greater than average insight also. It's beyond me to try and quantify all the things necessary to become a good writer though.
I spent the last few days in an absorb phase; I read an obscene amount. Though is any amount of reading ever obscene? I've noticed that I tend to read with a much more critical eye now; I pay much greater attention to word choice, detail, flow, the percussive elements of structure, and what makes a sentence sound good as opposed to clumsy.
I'll be honest; when I first read Twilight, I really liked it. Very much. I was in a bad relationship, desperate for any scraps of romance that could be had in the world, but also it's an entertaining enough story that I enjoyed the way you enjoy a fast food meal; you know it's bad, but you like it. But I'd never realized how bad it was until just recently! I tried re-reading it just a few days ago, and I'm struck by how rudimentary the writing is. I don't think I'm an excellent writer, but I've written better things than Stephenie Meyer has. Fernando tells me my Scholar and the Flame story was phenomenal, and my Leto story was visceral and gripping.
I don't know whether to feel hopeful or discouraged. Does the quality of Twilight bode well or ill for my chances to be published?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Further Musing
I think one of the saddest things in the world is growing apart from someone. It's worse than breaking up, in my opinion. When you break up, there is an explosion, you yell at each other, you cry. There is a sense of finality to it though. After you stop being sad, you're able to move on. You're a little different than you were, but you're still whole, and you don't have questions and regrets. You don't look back and say 'what if?'
When you grow apart though, it's different. You wonder why you don't talk as much. You wonder why they don't respond to your messages. You wonder why they seem distant when you do actually get to talk. You wonder if it's because of something that you did or if it's just your lives are different now and you don't have as much in common. Perhaps too much has happened without the other there and it just takes too much energy trying to share it.
It's happened a few times for me. For each of them, I wonder if they're okay. I wonder if they think about me and feel a sense of sadness and regret. For a few of them, they're not even on any kind of social networking so I couldn't get in touch even if I wanted to. For others, they are; I see them online sometimes and kind of curse myself for being too much of a chicken to broach the issue.
Maybe it doesn't suck as much for some people, but for me it's really felt. I don't have many friends, so every time one drifts away, I feel it.
It could be an ideological thing. My beliefs are much different than they were five years ago. I mean, it kind of sucks when people distance themselves from you because of beliefs but it happens. I don't feel any sort of need to conform so they feel more comfortable. I'm happier and more content with my life than I've EVER been, in large part because of what I chose to keep and what I chose to let go. I don't feel particularly threatened by people with different beliefs, though I understand that is a common reaction.
I don't know. There could be many reasons.
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I think it's kind of odd that I enjoy writing and characters so much, considering how inept I am socially. I don't particularly enjoy interacting with strangers, but I really enjoy creating characters and having them interact on the page. Maybe writing gives me that degree of separation I need.
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When you grow apart though, it's different. You wonder why you don't talk as much. You wonder why they don't respond to your messages. You wonder why they seem distant when you do actually get to talk. You wonder if it's because of something that you did or if it's just your lives are different now and you don't have as much in common. Perhaps too much has happened without the other there and it just takes too much energy trying to share it.
It's happened a few times for me. For each of them, I wonder if they're okay. I wonder if they think about me and feel a sense of sadness and regret. For a few of them, they're not even on any kind of social networking so I couldn't get in touch even if I wanted to. For others, they are; I see them online sometimes and kind of curse myself for being too much of a chicken to broach the issue.
Maybe it doesn't suck as much for some people, but for me it's really felt. I don't have many friends, so every time one drifts away, I feel it.
It could be an ideological thing. My beliefs are much different than they were five years ago. I mean, it kind of sucks when people distance themselves from you because of beliefs but it happens. I don't feel any sort of need to conform so they feel more comfortable. I'm happier and more content with my life than I've EVER been, in large part because of what I chose to keep and what I chose to let go. I don't feel particularly threatened by people with different beliefs, though I understand that is a common reaction.
I don't know. There could be many reasons.
------------
I think it's kind of odd that I enjoy writing and characters so much, considering how inept I am socially. I don't particularly enjoy interacting with strangers, but I really enjoy creating characters and having them interact on the page. Maybe writing gives me that degree of separation I need.
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At Peace
I think I spoke too soon. For the last few days I've been practicing cello more than I usually do. It's kind of like going on date with someone you had a huge fight with a few months ago. You patch things up, but things are tentative first. Then after awhile, you start to trust again. Is it weird that I have this kind of relationship with my cello? Probably. I never make any claims at normalcy.
Because that's boring, right? Yes.
Anyways, this year will be better though. I'm not doing quartet, I'm not doing any other ensemble aside from orchestra, which is required for music majors. I'm taking 5 classes, and my days all end around 3-4pm, which is perfect. That's enough time to practice for a few hours, come home and do homework. Do some work on my fanfics and my novel.
Fernando and I are going to Puerto Rico for a week. He hasn't seen his family in a year, and they all miss each other tons. I haven't seen them all in TWO years! It'll be nice to see them all sometime before the wedding next May.
Oh yeah! This year I have to plan our wedding. There's my part time job. Maybe I'll less of a girl or something, or maybe I'm lazy, but I'm not having as much fun planning the wedding as I think most women have.
Something Fernando likes to do is make lists. I'll find them all over the apartment when I'm cleaning. I'm a little less structured; kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. When I go shopping, I just grab stuff I think we need and it works pretty well. But I might start making lists too, just to organize things in my brain. I might be getting older or some shit, but it feels like my brain doesn't expand with everything I take in anymore. which I kind of hate. I wish medical science would jump ahead another one hundred years and figure out how to make aging less awful. I'm fine with death; it's the whole process of slowly falling apart that I find repulsive.
Wow, anyways, my point is I'm going to start making lists.
STUFF TO ACCOMPLISH THIS YEAR
1. Don't be an asshole when it comes to practice. Do at least an hour a day, preferably 2 to 3.
2. Take notes during lessons with Cheng-Hou. He's a patient teacher, but I'm not going to do myself any favors forgetting half the things he talks about in lessons.
3. Go to class. Yes, for me this is a struggle. I hate class. I think it has to do with an ingrained hatred of classrooms. Finding a seat is always kind of a stressful activity, because I like to sit in the back by the door, which means I have to get there like a half hour early since most people like the back so they can goof off without getting in trouble. I don't like exposing my back to people and I like being by an easily accessible exit in case someone should go crazy and start shooting. I think it's weird that I think like this.
4. I don't really need to take notes, but I'm going to try and pay better attention in classes.
5. Get Bs. I'm not dumb, but I'm lazy. That needs to stop.
6. WIN THE CONCERTO COMPETITION. Pretty self explanatory
7. Don't procrastinate with homework. Easier said than done, honestly. Especially for me, since I work really well under pressure.
8. Have my spring recital repertoire under my fingers by Christmas. That way I can spend Jan-March just polishing.
I think that's about it. I do all that, I should have a pretty successful year.
Because that's boring, right? Yes.
Anyways, this year will be better though. I'm not doing quartet, I'm not doing any other ensemble aside from orchestra, which is required for music majors. I'm taking 5 classes, and my days all end around 3-4pm, which is perfect. That's enough time to practice for a few hours, come home and do homework. Do some work on my fanfics and my novel.
Fernando and I are going to Puerto Rico for a week. He hasn't seen his family in a year, and they all miss each other tons. I haven't seen them all in TWO years! It'll be nice to see them all sometime before the wedding next May.
Oh yeah! This year I have to plan our wedding. There's my part time job. Maybe I'll less of a girl or something, or maybe I'm lazy, but I'm not having as much fun planning the wedding as I think most women have.
Something Fernando likes to do is make lists. I'll find them all over the apartment when I'm cleaning. I'm a little less structured; kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. When I go shopping, I just grab stuff I think we need and it works pretty well. But I might start making lists too, just to organize things in my brain. I might be getting older or some shit, but it feels like my brain doesn't expand with everything I take in anymore. which I kind of hate. I wish medical science would jump ahead another one hundred years and figure out how to make aging less awful. I'm fine with death; it's the whole process of slowly falling apart that I find repulsive.
Wow, anyways, my point is I'm going to start making lists.
STUFF TO ACCOMPLISH THIS YEAR
1. Don't be an asshole when it comes to practice. Do at least an hour a day, preferably 2 to 3.
2. Take notes during lessons with Cheng-Hou. He's a patient teacher, but I'm not going to do myself any favors forgetting half the things he talks about in lessons.
3. Go to class. Yes, for me this is a struggle. I hate class. I think it has to do with an ingrained hatred of classrooms. Finding a seat is always kind of a stressful activity, because I like to sit in the back by the door, which means I have to get there like a half hour early since most people like the back so they can goof off without getting in trouble. I don't like exposing my back to people and I like being by an easily accessible exit in case someone should go crazy and start shooting. I think it's weird that I think like this.
4. I don't really need to take notes, but I'm going to try and pay better attention in classes.
5. Get Bs. I'm not dumb, but I'm lazy. That needs to stop.
6. WIN THE CONCERTO COMPETITION. Pretty self explanatory
7. Don't procrastinate with homework. Easier said than done, honestly. Especially for me, since I work really well under pressure.
8. Have my spring recital repertoire under my fingers by Christmas. That way I can spend Jan-March just polishing.
I think that's about it. I do all that, I should have a pretty successful year.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Long Time No Rant? and meditations on writing
So I took a break from this blog because pretty much all I was going on it was ranting. While it's nice to rant, it's also kind of mean. And irritating. Part of the problem is I tend to keep a lot of that kind of stuff to myself, because I'd rather be miserable than yell at someone and make them feel bad. Making people feel bad makes ME feel bad. Anyways, so that's the deal.
Except, lately I haven't really had anything to rant about. I've been on summer vacation, I'm not leading a WoW guild anymore (NEVER AGAIN), I'm not in school dealing with jerks in a quartet who can't seem to understand I don't have as much time as them to rehearse (yes, this really happened). Instead of ranting, I've been writing.
And I think I've found another passion in life.
Since I was basically an infant, I've known I was going to be a musician. My dad started me on trumpet when I was . . . four I think? I'll have to ask him. Then I started piano at age five and cello at age six. Cello is my main instrument now; I play trumpet and piano for fun and stress relief. Since I come from a musical family, I'm talented. I'm honestly not bragging or anything; it's just a fact. (This isn't bragging when you realize talent doesn't equivocate success or skill).
So I've trained to be a musician all my life. I've taken private lessons, I've practiced, I'm going to college as a cello performance major. It's fulfilling. It brings me happiness.
But it's different than what writings is for me.
Since last November I've been writing fanfiction for Dragon Age, and the act of that alone has taught me so much about writing, composition and structure. Now when I read, I analyze how sentences are formed. Now when I go outside, I don't see things so much as describe them in my head.
It's really strange, and it's messed with my direction on life. I've been a musician since before I was bathroom trained, and yet never in my time as a musician have I been able to practice all day. I do that with writing. I wake up, sit down at my laptop, and just...write. NONSTOP. It's insane. Fernando will come home from work, and I'll still be at it. I've NEVER had that kind of mad passion for music.
This partly came about because I had an idea for an original work that I've been developing while also working on my fanfic. Now fanfic is not only about the joy of writing and telling stories but about practice. About getting my technique down so I can execute my idea the absolute best that I can.
Sigh. I'm not sure what my rambling point is in all this.
Except, lately I haven't really had anything to rant about. I've been on summer vacation, I'm not leading a WoW guild anymore (NEVER AGAIN), I'm not in school dealing with jerks in a quartet who can't seem to understand I don't have as much time as them to rehearse (yes, this really happened). Instead of ranting, I've been writing.
And I think I've found another passion in life.
Since I was basically an infant, I've known I was going to be a musician. My dad started me on trumpet when I was . . . four I think? I'll have to ask him. Then I started piano at age five and cello at age six. Cello is my main instrument now; I play trumpet and piano for fun and stress relief. Since I come from a musical family, I'm talented. I'm honestly not bragging or anything; it's just a fact. (This isn't bragging when you realize talent doesn't equivocate success or skill).
So I've trained to be a musician all my life. I've taken private lessons, I've practiced, I'm going to college as a cello performance major. It's fulfilling. It brings me happiness.
But it's different than what writings is for me.
Since last November I've been writing fanfiction for Dragon Age, and the act of that alone has taught me so much about writing, composition and structure. Now when I read, I analyze how sentences are formed. Now when I go outside, I don't see things so much as describe them in my head.
It's really strange, and it's messed with my direction on life. I've been a musician since before I was bathroom trained, and yet never in my time as a musician have I been able to practice all day. I do that with writing. I wake up, sit down at my laptop, and just...write. NONSTOP. It's insane. Fernando will come home from work, and I'll still be at it. I've NEVER had that kind of mad passion for music.
This partly came about because I had an idea for an original work that I've been developing while also working on my fanfic. Now fanfic is not only about the joy of writing and telling stories but about practice. About getting my technique down so I can execute my idea the absolute best that I can.
Sigh. I'm not sure what my rambling point is in all this.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Ghostcrawler, you're a fucking moron
WoW, Dungeons are hard? The title of your little treatise alone successfully has convinced me to never spend money on a Blizzard product ever again.
GC, way to miss the point. Sure, some people are whining about difficulty, but most of the people I hear are complaining about the FUN factor. Who the hell wants to pay 15/month to get kicked in the face in the LFD?
I'm a healer. As an adult with half a brain, I understand the changes made to healing in this expansion. I am ABLE to heal the content. But you know what, GC? It's not fun.
It's not fun getting yelled at by assholes who blame me for wipes, even though they stand in the fire, don't interrupt, and generally play like idiots. It's not fun not being able to save a tank that is biting it in AOE. It's not fun managing MANA. It's not fun being the class that is nerfed in order to tune the difficulty of an encounter. Seriously, was that your idea? When Wow tanks and you get fired, I really hope you get a job in customer service and can never get your arrogant hands on mmo development again.
It is literally BOGGLING how you've bungled this. You teach your player base to play a certain way. You give them the tools, and it works. People have fun. Complaints are minimal, usually about small scale class buffs/nerfs. You decide, that's not what I WANT anymore, I want to completely change things around! You change it so that your players, and especially the healers, are punished for learning to play a certain way. Then you basically write a post saying 'Gtfo bads' and expect that to be kosher. It's NOT.
I don't play mmos to get my ass kicked. Not saying I want shiny lewts handed to me on a silver platter, but there is a threshold in a game where the payoff fails to make the work worth it. You've just crossed it. I'm having a hard time seeing WoW coming back from that threshold.
As I said, I have no interest in flushing my money down the toilet so developers can talk down to the people with legitimate concerns about the state of things. Before that little post, I was content to just let my time run out and maybe come back in a few months, see how things are going. But now, GC? You and your company will never see another dime of my money again. Any company that allows its developers to alienate an unhappy portion of the player base in such a way (regardless of how big or small that portion is) doesn't deserve its success.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
GC, way to miss the point. Sure, some people are whining about difficulty, but most of the people I hear are complaining about the FUN factor. Who the hell wants to pay 15/month to get kicked in the face in the LFD?
I'm a healer. As an adult with half a brain, I understand the changes made to healing in this expansion. I am ABLE to heal the content. But you know what, GC? It's not fun.
It's not fun getting yelled at by assholes who blame me for wipes, even though they stand in the fire, don't interrupt, and generally play like idiots. It's not fun not being able to save a tank that is biting it in AOE. It's not fun managing MANA. It's not fun being the class that is nerfed in order to tune the difficulty of an encounter. Seriously, was that your idea? When Wow tanks and you get fired, I really hope you get a job in customer service and can never get your arrogant hands on mmo development again.
It is literally BOGGLING how you've bungled this. You teach your player base to play a certain way. You give them the tools, and it works. People have fun. Complaints are minimal, usually about small scale class buffs/nerfs. You decide, that's not what I WANT anymore, I want to completely change things around! You change it so that your players, and especially the healers, are punished for learning to play a certain way. Then you basically write a post saying 'Gtfo bads' and expect that to be kosher. It's NOT.
I don't play mmos to get my ass kicked. Not saying I want shiny lewts handed to me on a silver platter, but there is a threshold in a game where the payoff fails to make the work worth it. You've just crossed it. I'm having a hard time seeing WoW coming back from that threshold.
As I said, I have no interest in flushing my money down the toilet so developers can talk down to the people with legitimate concerns about the state of things. Before that little post, I was content to just let my time run out and maybe come back in a few months, see how things are going. But now, GC? You and your company will never see another dime of my money again. Any company that allows its developers to alienate an unhappy portion of the player base in such a way (regardless of how big or small that portion is) doesn't deserve its success.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
On the eve of my return to school
It's a strange feeling- I'm both scared and excited. I've been out of school for over a year, and it feels like much longer. I feel disconnected to the routines of it all, the requirements. I'm afraid I'm too old to be able to be competitive with the younger people. I mean....I'm 23. That's pretty old to still be working on your undergrad. And this is pretty much my last chance. If I screw up this time, that's it. I can't go back, I can't get another chance. It's do or die now. It's scary.
And at the same time, I'm so impatient. I've been so bored and antsy the last few months I've hardly known what to do with myself, and now I'm going to be a student again. I'm going to do it right this time. I'm going to pay attention to my schoolwork, practice for my lessons, be friendly with the other people in school. I'm not going to be such a failure this time.
And at the same time, I'm so impatient. I've been so bored and antsy the last few months I've hardly known what to do with myself, and now I'm going to be a student again. I'm going to do it right this time. I'm going to pay attention to my schoolwork, practice for my lessons, be friendly with the other people in school. I'm not going to be such a failure this time.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Coils within coils
Fernando and I are moving in a week. Well, hopefully we are. Amber Manor gave us a Tuesday to move in and sign our lease and such, and sadly, Fernando works during the week at ridiculous hours. He applied for the day off, but I don't have high hopes- the company he works for are dickheads. Either way, I have to start packing and cleaning this week, and I can't really motivate myself to do it yet. Oh, I will later today, it's just we have so much stuff, so much crap, it's daunting to think about moving that myself, which I'll probably have to do if Fernando can't get the time off.
This weekend, we saw Inception. It's the latest in Christopher Nolan's pantheon of amazing thrillers, and I have to say, I found Inception to be the cornerstone of his works. The plot itself was perfectly paced even though the running time is well over 2 hours; I wasn't bored once. It pulls you right in to its world, so even when at first you're not entirely sure what's going on, you're never confused enough to pull away from the experience. Then the viewer proxy enters in the form of a highly talented and skilled dream architect named Ariadne, and through her, we learn about this world where dreams are plundered for information and sold, where there is a basic tenant that while extraction is possible, inception (the planting of an idea) is not. But Dom Cobb believes otherwise, and as we discover more about him, we learn that the reason he believes so is because he's done it himself. This serves the purposes of businessman Saito perfectly, for he wants Inception performed on a rival businessman. The whys are not really explored, and I found them almost to be irrelevant- it's not the purpose of the narrative to understand why.
As the team Cobb assembles enters the dream within a dream within a dream, I found the tension and suspense to be at almost unbearable levels, since it's not in just one plane, but FOUR. I was talking to Fernando about this after we left the movie, and he noted that the reason we cared was well done. For when you're in a dream, if you're killed, you wake, but in this multilayered dream that is necessary for inception, if you are killed, you enter limbo- you are lost. This fed well into the climax that built on itself for it felt like almost an hour. Joseph Gordon-Levitt takes the cake in the most thrilling sequences when he wrestles and disarms gunmen in a state of freefall weightlessness. ( I read that he performed his own stunts).
It would be easy to write this movie off as spectacle and an excuse for amazing stunts if it were not so tied in to melancholy, grief, and the strange barren landscape of dreams. Nolan captures this perfectly- the ultimate climax has such weight that when the movie had ended and the credits were rolling, Fernando and I sat in the dark not speaking for quite awhile, trying to digest what we had seen. It was like when you wake up after a particularly vivid dream, and you lie there staring at the ceiling, trying to catch it.
In other words, SEE THIS MOVIE.
This weekend, we saw Inception. It's the latest in Christopher Nolan's pantheon of amazing thrillers, and I have to say, I found Inception to be the cornerstone of his works. The plot itself was perfectly paced even though the running time is well over 2 hours; I wasn't bored once. It pulls you right in to its world, so even when at first you're not entirely sure what's going on, you're never confused enough to pull away from the experience. Then the viewer proxy enters in the form of a highly talented and skilled dream architect named Ariadne, and through her, we learn about this world where dreams are plundered for information and sold, where there is a basic tenant that while extraction is possible, inception (the planting of an idea) is not. But Dom Cobb believes otherwise, and as we discover more about him, we learn that the reason he believes so is because he's done it himself. This serves the purposes of businessman Saito perfectly, for he wants Inception performed on a rival businessman. The whys are not really explored, and I found them almost to be irrelevant- it's not the purpose of the narrative to understand why.
As the team Cobb assembles enters the dream within a dream within a dream, I found the tension and suspense to be at almost unbearable levels, since it's not in just one plane, but FOUR. I was talking to Fernando about this after we left the movie, and he noted that the reason we cared was well done. For when you're in a dream, if you're killed, you wake, but in this multilayered dream that is necessary for inception, if you are killed, you enter limbo- you are lost. This fed well into the climax that built on itself for it felt like almost an hour. Joseph Gordon-Levitt takes the cake in the most thrilling sequences when he wrestles and disarms gunmen in a state of freefall weightlessness. ( I read that he performed his own stunts).
It would be easy to write this movie off as spectacle and an excuse for amazing stunts if it were not so tied in to melancholy, grief, and the strange barren landscape of dreams. Nolan captures this perfectly- the ultimate climax has such weight that when the movie had ended and the credits were rolling, Fernando and I sat in the dark not speaking for quite awhile, trying to digest what we had seen. It was like when you wake up after a particularly vivid dream, and you lie there staring at the ceiling, trying to catch it.
In other words, SEE THIS MOVIE.
Friday, August 6, 2010
A New (MMO) Hope
BUSINESS FIRST-I'm so excited and hopeful at this point, it's becoming unbearable. I'm starting school in about 2 weeks. Holy shit, it's only 2 weeks?! I'm moving to a new apartment in 11 days. I'm going to be meeting new people and teachers and musicians so soon, I'm getting beyond antsy.
Fernando and I decided that we should move closer to DeKalb because the apartments there are much cheaper than the area we're living now. It was kind of an adventure finding the right place, because a lot of places in Dekalb are a bit run down...but Amber Manor is not. Very nice complex, very clean apartments, very helpful staff, an INDOOR pool (for swimming even in winter!) and its location basically made it the perfect place for us to relocate. We were just approved yesterday, and we're signing the lease on the 17th. After I spoke to the leasing agent, I'm even more excited to live there; she informed me that they're giving me August's rent FREE. So even though we're moving mid month, we don't have to pay rent until Sept 1st. I was elated.
ON TO THE NERDY PART OF BLOG!
Fernando and I decided to quit WoW again, and this time it seems like it's for good. We've pretty much done all that mmo has to offer that interests us, and the next expansion is either A. changing things that we don't think should be changed or B. not addressed what should. It's just time to move on. Also, Star Wars the Old Republic is going to come out in April of 2011, and since we're burnt out on WoW, it would seem like a waste of money to buy the WoW expac and then play it for 3-4 months. Besides, there are like 6 games coming out on the Ps3 in that span of time that look hands down awesome, like The Force Unleashed II, Lord of the Rings: War in the North, Dragon Age 2, Fallout New Vegas, etc. And ALSO- I'm sick of not being able to buy books when I want because we've spent all our money on an mmo that we don't play half the time. MEH!
So yes, SWTOR is our new obsession. I've been tracking the forums and updates for that mmo like a starved person. It's a promising game, helmed by Bioware and the Knights of the Old Republic team. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a rabid Star Wars fangirl. I have graphic novels. I have the EU books (not enough of them, at that). Posters, other memorabilia, the first movie I can consciously remember watching in my life was Return of the Jedi. SO when a Star Wars mmorpg hits the rumor mill, I'm all over it. As stated above, it comes at a good time; I've burnt out of WoW and I'm looking for something that doesn't suck, that won't get boring, that combines my love for all things star wars, amazing story telling, and compelling mmorpg gameplay. This game looks like it'll deliver. I'm hoping, in a kind of vindictive way, that it finally gives WoW a run for its money. But that is mostly because I want SWTOR to be around for a long long time. I want to be one of the hard bitten mmo gamers that were there starting day one, through the beta, the patches, the bugs, and the inevitable influx of less hardcore gamers.
WORD
Fernando and I decided that we should move closer to DeKalb because the apartments there are much cheaper than the area we're living now. It was kind of an adventure finding the right place, because a lot of places in Dekalb are a bit run down...but Amber Manor is not. Very nice complex, very clean apartments, very helpful staff, an INDOOR pool (for swimming even in winter!) and its location basically made it the perfect place for us to relocate. We were just approved yesterday, and we're signing the lease on the 17th. After I spoke to the leasing agent, I'm even more excited to live there; she informed me that they're giving me August's rent FREE. So even though we're moving mid month, we don't have to pay rent until Sept 1st. I was elated.
ON TO THE NERDY PART OF BLOG!
Fernando and I decided to quit WoW again, and this time it seems like it's for good. We've pretty much done all that mmo has to offer that interests us, and the next expansion is either A. changing things that we don't think should be changed or B. not addressed what should. It's just time to move on. Also, Star Wars the Old Republic is going to come out in April of 2011, and since we're burnt out on WoW, it would seem like a waste of money to buy the WoW expac and then play it for 3-4 months. Besides, there are like 6 games coming out on the Ps3 in that span of time that look hands down awesome, like The Force Unleashed II, Lord of the Rings: War in the North, Dragon Age 2, Fallout New Vegas, etc. And ALSO- I'm sick of not being able to buy books when I want because we've spent all our money on an mmo that we don't play half the time. MEH!
So yes, SWTOR is our new obsession. I've been tracking the forums and updates for that mmo like a starved person. It's a promising game, helmed by Bioware and the Knights of the Old Republic team. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a rabid Star Wars fangirl. I have graphic novels. I have the EU books (not enough of them, at that). Posters, other memorabilia, the first movie I can consciously remember watching in my life was Return of the Jedi. SO when a Star Wars mmorpg hits the rumor mill, I'm all over it. As stated above, it comes at a good time; I've burnt out of WoW and I'm looking for something that doesn't suck, that won't get boring, that combines my love for all things star wars, amazing story telling, and compelling mmorpg gameplay. This game looks like it'll deliver. I'm hoping, in a kind of vindictive way, that it finally gives WoW a run for its money. But that is mostly because I want SWTOR to be around for a long long time. I want to be one of the hard bitten mmo gamers that were there starting day one, through the beta, the patches, the bugs, and the inevitable influx of less hardcore gamers.
WORD
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sore feet
Holy God do my feet hurt. I was at NIU Transfer student orientation most of the day, and sadly not wearing very high quality shoes. But on the bright side, I can expect to lose some poundage with all the walking I'll be doing!
I feel pretty industrious today. After the all morning long tour and unsatisfying lunch, I registered for my ensemble classes with my adviser in 20 minutes. Did a survey, got my NIU ID, and I was out of there by 2pm. I'm home now, and I just finished registering for the rest of my classes. The music major classes I can't register for just yet, because I haven't taken the placement tests yet. Which reminds me, holy crap do I need to study for them. If I have to retake 3 semesters worth of Music History and Theory, I'm not going to be happy.
I wish Fernando was home. We need to figure out where we're going to live for the next 2 years. It's too expensive where we are now, I'm thinking it might be overall cheaper by the university.
I feel pretty industrious today. After the all morning long tour and unsatisfying lunch, I registered for my ensemble classes with my adviser in 20 minutes. Did a survey, got my NIU ID, and I was out of there by 2pm. I'm home now, and I just finished registering for the rest of my classes. The music major classes I can't register for just yet, because I haven't taken the placement tests yet. Which reminds me, holy crap do I need to study for them. If I have to retake 3 semesters worth of Music History and Theory, I'm not going to be happy.
I wish Fernando was home. We need to figure out where we're going to live for the next 2 years. It's too expensive where we are now, I'm thinking it might be overall cheaper by the university.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Long time no post?
Er, I'm back! Kind of. The last 2 months have been more of the dreaded waiting pattern. I've been accepted into NIU, now what? Practice like hell, review theory, get ready to kick academics in the ass. About 6 weeks until school starts up, and God, I'm bored. Summer is in full swing now, and after about a month of enjoying the heat, I'm sick of it. I always get like this around July, wistful for the fall, the cooler weather, going back to school.
Part of it is that I'm lonely. Fernando and I are doing better than ever, but I have no other friends here. I moved to Illinois so I could hang out with my best friend Suzi more, and then she breaks up with her boyfriend Paul and moves back to Michigan. Fernando and I had kind of been getting to know Paul's friends, kind of becoming a part of their friend circle, but as soon as Suzi left, that went away. So the two of us are kind of alone here. Isolated. We both crave friendship. Maybe another couple to hang out with, go on double dates with. People to go on adventures with! Going back to school isn't just new possibilities for my future, it is a new beginning for my relationships with others too. When I was at WMU, I was closed off and antisocial. I was with a person who didn't encourage other relationships and all my free time was spent taking care of him. It's a long story that I don't want to get into, but the point is, things are different now. I'm older, more mature (at least a little), and eager to make friends.
I think the realization hit me a few weeks ago. A lot of people I know are getting married this summer, and it made me think about my own wedding. How they have close friends they ask to stand for them, whereas I can only think of a handful. One or two at the most. And Fernando's sister. It's . . . kind of sad.
I think that will be one of my goals at school. To try and make at least one good female friend. I have guy friends coming out of my ears; it's always been easy for me to relate to guys. It's harder with girls. I'm more like a guy than anything- I mean, I have a girly side, but for crying out loud, I'm a nerd. I like video games and Star Wars, RPG's and Beethoven. There aren't many people, let alone girls that I can relate to.
At the very least, I'm going to try and be less antisocial at school. I'll try to open up a little more.
Part of it is that I'm lonely. Fernando and I are doing better than ever, but I have no other friends here. I moved to Illinois so I could hang out with my best friend Suzi more, and then she breaks up with her boyfriend Paul and moves back to Michigan. Fernando and I had kind of been getting to know Paul's friends, kind of becoming a part of their friend circle, but as soon as Suzi left, that went away. So the two of us are kind of alone here. Isolated. We both crave friendship. Maybe another couple to hang out with, go on double dates with. People to go on adventures with! Going back to school isn't just new possibilities for my future, it is a new beginning for my relationships with others too. When I was at WMU, I was closed off and antisocial. I was with a person who didn't encourage other relationships and all my free time was spent taking care of him. It's a long story that I don't want to get into, but the point is, things are different now. I'm older, more mature (at least a little), and eager to make friends.
I think the realization hit me a few weeks ago. A lot of people I know are getting married this summer, and it made me think about my own wedding. How they have close friends they ask to stand for them, whereas I can only think of a handful. One or two at the most. And Fernando's sister. It's . . . kind of sad.
I think that will be one of my goals at school. To try and make at least one good female friend. I have guy friends coming out of my ears; it's always been easy for me to relate to guys. It's harder with girls. I'm more like a guy than anything- I mean, I have a girly side, but for crying out loud, I'm a nerd. I like video games and Star Wars, RPG's and Beethoven. There aren't many people, let alone girls that I can relate to.
At the very least, I'm going to try and be less antisocial at school. I'll try to open up a little more.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Chugging along
God, I love spring. It's about one year ago when I woke up from the sadness that had defined my life for so long. Just when the land came alive again, the trees and the flowers blooming again, I woke up too. So now I will forever associate the spring of the world into the spring of my own heart, where everything was fresh and new and wonderful.
My birthday is coming up, along with my one year anniversary to Fernando. I'm feeling light, optimistic. My relationship with Fernando is stronger and deeper than ever, something forged on a foundation of intimacy and true understanding. I'm beyond lucky. I've been blessed beyond imagining.
My Dad had his last ever band concert, and Fernando and I went up for the weekend to see it, take pictures for posterity and such. My brother had gotten a video camera for his birthday (which was my idea :D) so he was running around the whole concert, getting it on film. I ran around with my standard point and shoot. Someday when Fernando and I have more money to toss around, I'll replace that camera. It's about 5 years old.
Life is good.
My birthday is coming up, along with my one year anniversary to Fernando. I'm feeling light, optimistic. My relationship with Fernando is stronger and deeper than ever, something forged on a foundation of intimacy and true understanding. I'm beyond lucky. I've been blessed beyond imagining.
My Dad had his last ever band concert, and Fernando and I went up for the weekend to see it, take pictures for posterity and such. My brother had gotten a video camera for his birthday (which was my idea :D) so he was running around the whole concert, getting it on film. I ran around with my standard point and shoot. Someday when Fernando and I have more money to toss around, I'll replace that camera. It's about 5 years old.
Life is good.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Reposted to Blog for posterity
I wrote a pretty scathing rant on the state of popular music today for facebook. It started because Suzi was telling me about this song she and her new boy share, Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. I was at best underwhelmed and at most repulsed. It sounded exactly like every other manufactured bullshit song tossed on the airwaves, and it kind of got me going on the entire subject. I hope Suzi isn't mad, since that shitty band sent me on a long, bitter, and cranky rant about shitty music today.
DISCLAIMER- Not all my friends are snobs like me, and so I'm sorry if anyone is offended by my opinion. I have no illusions that what I think is absolute truth and I'll never tell anyone they're wrong because I don't agree with them.
I think since 2005 I have been almost completely removed from popular music. If I have the radio on in my car, it's on 90.9 Chicago jazz, or 98.7 Chicago classical. I don't watch the TV shows that champion 'popular music', such as Gossip Girl. The extent of my knowledge of popular music extended to what I hear from the popular youtube program whatthebuckshow, which mostly makes fun of the artists. Yesterday though, at the request of a friend, I checked out some Owl City, which is apparently extremely popular since the hit single 'Fireflies' filled the radio waves last year.
Let me just say, I was pretty underwhelmed. While listening to a few of his tracks, I was struck at how processed the songs were. The lyrics were particularly bubbly and cheerful, but without substance, which appeals to a portion of the teens and 20 somethings out there. A little research revealed that the sole artist, Adam Young, relies heavily on AUTO TUNE and other processed musical effects to create the sound that so many love these days.
Let me just explain the abomination that auto tune is, for a moment. For those of you who don't know, auto tune is a program that allows the 'artist' to heavily edit his voice and correct any pitch problems that may rise up from, say, lack of ability. It has become so widespread that according to a sound engineer (who wishes to remain nameless) ""Let's just say I've had Auto-Tune save vocals on everything from Britney Spears to Bollywood soundtrack albums. And every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box." (Time, 2009)
You read that right. They ASSUME that you'll auto correct their voice while recording. Doubtless this is so the popular musicians of the day can continue their indulgent lifestyle without having to worry about such pesky things as practice and hard work honing their craft.
What this means for music as a forever growing and changing art form is dire. What auto tune has done has created a homogeneous slop of a sound that from artist to artist, more or less remains the same. Owl City, Ke$ha, Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, they're all guilty of this, regardless of what genre they pander to.
What struck me as most worrisome is that this tactic is calculated. While listening to their music, I didn't get the impression that they were desperate to express their inner creative force, or even to put their own personal stamp on the music industry. They are, more likely than not, interested in packaging a product for easy consumption and I have not heard one tune or track that would convince me otherwise. Lyrics that a 12 year old could write? Check. Liberal use of some variant of I-IV-vi-V? Check. Score your music in easy to play major keys, like C, Bb, F, or G? Check.
I'll cite Linkin Park as a decent example. Years ago, they crashed onto the music scene with a rock rap sound coupled with edgy, raw lyrics. In high school I adored them, as they put to music my own feelings of anger and angst quite well. I would never list them as musical paragons and fonts of endless creativity, but they had a sound and it was theirs. Along comes Minutes to Midnight in 2007. Gone was the sound that characterized them so well, and in its place was the same bland, boring, soulless musical product that had become the norm. They defended their album to outraged fans, saying this was their new 'creative' direction, but I don't think there was anything creative about it. They wanted in on the gravy train, but in sacrificing their sound, they lost what made them Linkin Park.
And the worst part of this whole debacle is, artists of today know they can get away with it. They are merely packaging and releasing what the public wants to hear, all wrapped up in a pretty face (with Auto Tune in the background). Gershwin is old man music, Beethoven is music for corpses. If you want to get with the sound of TODAY, you need to cram it and suck down your processed emo-rock-pop like a good little consumer. How does anyone stand this?
I say we hold our artists to a higher standard, for one. The use of Auto Tune in lieu of talent and skill is unforgivable. Asinine lyrics cranked out without a trace of irony is inexcusable. I beg everyone to find artists who make music just for the joy of it, not because they have dollar signs for pupils. The money and fame that a star invariably finds should be a perk, a side benefit, and NOT the reason you're a musician.
Everyone do me a big favor and watch this video of Frank Sinatra singing "Where or When"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtDOQMyUAU0
Listen to the way he phrases each line, building up and holding back. His voice is expressive beyond my ability to describe properly; he gives life to the words he is singing. And at the end of the song, his voice mixes perfectly with the orchestra and builds from a whispered hush to something powerful. He is perfectly in tune and perfectly in control of what his voice is doing technically, and he is doing it without Auto Tune.
See, back in the 50's, when this was recorded, a singer had to rely on training, talent, and the pipes God gave him to create a track, but I'll be damned if the finished product isn't something more powerful and moving. The music artists today create is devoid of expression beyond a catchy lyric or two, but in days past, a singer had to interpret and express. At the end of this rendition of "Where or When" I have chills. At the end of Miley Cyrus' "7 things" I feel mildly disgusted and used.
The optimist in me would love to believe that this is a passing fad that will die out in a few years and be remembered fondly in "I love the two Thousands" programs. But from what I understand of humanity, auto tune and commercially standardized music represents the easy way out for artists looking for the fame and success without the work involved. If we continue on this track and refuse to hold our favorite bands up to artistic integrity, we might as well have robots belting out the no. 1 hit single on the radio.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1877372,00.html
DISCLAIMER- Not all my friends are snobs like me, and so I'm sorry if anyone is offended by my opinion. I have no illusions that what I think is absolute truth and I'll never tell anyone they're wrong because I don't agree with them.
I think since 2005 I have been almost completely removed from popular music. If I have the radio on in my car, it's on 90.9 Chicago jazz, or 98.7 Chicago classical. I don't watch the TV shows that champion 'popular music', such as Gossip Girl. The extent of my knowledge of popular music extended to what I hear from the popular youtube program whatthebuckshow, which mostly makes fun of the artists. Yesterday though, at the request of a friend, I checked out some Owl City, which is apparently extremely popular since the hit single 'Fireflies' filled the radio waves last year.
Let me just say, I was pretty underwhelmed. While listening to a few of his tracks, I was struck at how processed the songs were. The lyrics were particularly bubbly and cheerful, but without substance, which appeals to a portion of the teens and 20 somethings out there. A little research revealed that the sole artist, Adam Young, relies heavily on AUTO TUNE and other processed musical effects to create the sound that so many love these days.
Let me just explain the abomination that auto tune is, for a moment. For those of you who don't know, auto tune is a program that allows the 'artist' to heavily edit his voice and correct any pitch problems that may rise up from, say, lack of ability. It has become so widespread that according to a sound engineer (who wishes to remain nameless) ""Let's just say I've had Auto-Tune save vocals on everything from Britney Spears to Bollywood soundtrack albums. And every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box." (Time, 2009)
You read that right. They ASSUME that you'll auto correct their voice while recording. Doubtless this is so the popular musicians of the day can continue their indulgent lifestyle without having to worry about such pesky things as practice and hard work honing their craft.
What this means for music as a forever growing and changing art form is dire. What auto tune has done has created a homogeneous slop of a sound that from artist to artist, more or less remains the same. Owl City, Ke$ha, Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, they're all guilty of this, regardless of what genre they pander to.
What struck me as most worrisome is that this tactic is calculated. While listening to their music, I didn't get the impression that they were desperate to express their inner creative force, or even to put their own personal stamp on the music industry. They are, more likely than not, interested in packaging a product for easy consumption and I have not heard one tune or track that would convince me otherwise. Lyrics that a 12 year old could write? Check. Liberal use of some variant of I-IV-vi-V? Check. Score your music in easy to play major keys, like C, Bb, F, or G? Check.
I'll cite Linkin Park as a decent example. Years ago, they crashed onto the music scene with a rock rap sound coupled with edgy, raw lyrics. In high school I adored them, as they put to music my own feelings of anger and angst quite well. I would never list them as musical paragons and fonts of endless creativity, but they had a sound and it was theirs. Along comes Minutes to Midnight in 2007. Gone was the sound that characterized them so well, and in its place was the same bland, boring, soulless musical product that had become the norm. They defended their album to outraged fans, saying this was their new 'creative' direction, but I don't think there was anything creative about it. They wanted in on the gravy train, but in sacrificing their sound, they lost what made them Linkin Park.
And the worst part of this whole debacle is, artists of today know they can get away with it. They are merely packaging and releasing what the public wants to hear, all wrapped up in a pretty face (with Auto Tune in the background). Gershwin is old man music, Beethoven is music for corpses. If you want to get with the sound of TODAY, you need to cram it and suck down your processed emo-rock-pop like a good little consumer. How does anyone stand this?
I say we hold our artists to a higher standard, for one. The use of Auto Tune in lieu of talent and skill is unforgivable. Asinine lyrics cranked out without a trace of irony is inexcusable. I beg everyone to find artists who make music just for the joy of it, not because they have dollar signs for pupils. The money and fame that a star invariably finds should be a perk, a side benefit, and NOT the reason you're a musician.
Everyone do me a big favor and watch this video of Frank Sinatra singing "Where or When"
http://www.youtube.com/wat
Listen to the way he phrases each line, building up and holding back. His voice is expressive beyond my ability to describe properly; he gives life to the words he is singing. And at the end of the song, his voice mixes perfectly with the orchestra and builds from a whispered hush to something powerful. He is perfectly in tune and perfectly in control of what his voice is doing technically, and he is doing it without Auto Tune.
See, back in the 50's, when this was recorded, a singer had to rely on training, talent, and the pipes God gave him to create a track, but I'll be damned if the finished product isn't something more powerful and moving. The music artists today create is devoid of expression beyond a catchy lyric or two, but in days past, a singer had to interpret and express. At the end of this rendition of "Where or When" I have chills. At the end of Miley Cyrus' "7 things" I feel mildly disgusted and used.
The optimist in me would love to believe that this is a passing fad that will die out in a few years and be remembered fondly in "I love the two Thousands" programs. But from what I understand of humanity, auto tune and commercially standardized music represents the easy way out for artists looking for the fame and success without the work involved. If we continue on this track and refuse to hold our favorite bands up to artistic integrity, we might as well have robots belting out the no. 1 hit single on the radio.
http://www.time.com/time/m
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Goofy Fun!
I used to do this a lot in high school, and I think I will start again, since I've changed.
Probably the only thing off about this result is that I like to be pursued very much.
| You are a Social Liberal (93% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (6% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test...
The Liberated Lover
86% partner focus, 57% aggressiveness, 80% adventurousness
Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:
You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.
The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."
In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.
Congratulations!
If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:
Nerds, Geeks & Dorks
Professional Wrestling
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
America/Politics
Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST
You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.
The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."
In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.
Congratulations!
If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:
Nerds, Geeks & Dorks
Professional Wrestling
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
America/Politics
Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST
Take The Lover Style Profile Test at OkCupid
Probably the only thing off about this result is that I like to be pursued very much.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Around the Corner
It's been a busy week. Has it been a week? Maybe it's been 2 weeks. I don't know. A lot has happened, that is for sure. After the disasterous audition at WMU, I went into overdrive applying to other schools and setting up auditions for them. I encountered the most positive reaction at Northern Illinois University. As soon as I called the Admissions Coordinator and explained my situation to her, she jumped into overdrive setting things up for me. She and I both contacted the cello professor, and from there I set up an audition for just a few days later. I mean, I had the music all prepared, why the hell not?
He lives in the outskirts of the city, so it was kind of a crazy adventure getting there, seeing as I'm a country girl and definitely not used to navigating rush hour city traffic. Or crazy city parking. But I managed to get there in one piece, so I trudged up to his 3rd floor apartment. He had broken his leg pretty badly so he was recovering at home. It ended up being pretty convenient too, since his apartment is closer to mine than mine is to the school. Anyways. I rocked that audition. I played REALLY well and I impressed him, so much so, that he emphatically accepted me on the spot AND gave me a huge scholarship recommendation! I was stoked. Pumped. Elated. Say what you will, it was like the doors were opening up for me. You know that saying? When one closes, another opens? It's so true, especially if you get off your ass and get to work.
So 2 days after my audition, I went to the university itself for a tour and meeting with Lynn (the admissions coordinator). I have to say that I LOVE the campus. It heavily recalls campuses of the East Coast, old looking stone buildings with ivy and vines crawling up the sides, I love it love it love it. I got kind of lost, but managed to find the music school, which is right on the end corner of campus, with a lovely river right in front of it. I was totally in love. I spoke with Lynn and she was extremely informative and helpful. She gave me a bunch of material that would help Fernando and I find an apartment, what classes I'll have to take for my degree, etc. Above and beyond. After we spoke for awhile, she gave me a quick tour of the building, and then took me to an orchestra rehearsal. The orchestra alone plays 5 concerts in a school year, and one of those is an OPERA cycle. Yeah, I'm totally in love.
So this week, I had to send in some recommendation letters to the music department for my music school application to be complete. I asked my old orchestra teacher to help me out, and he sent one in on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait. Not wait to be accepted, but wait to see how much my scholarship is. Obviously, the more the better.
I also quit WoW, finally. It was kind of a long time coming, you know? I've been having less and less fun in that game as the months went on, so I closed up the guild, told the members, sent them all some good stuff out of the guild bank, and cancelled my subscription. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Now it's been a week since I quit and seriously...I feel amazing. I don't have something weighing me down. I don't have to sign on to a game that was becoming less and less fun at such and such time every night to get squabbling whispers about loot and raid line ups.
I'm actually playing a new mmo now, a different one. I'm a huge Tolkien fan, so I'm playing the lord of the rings online mmo...and having more fun than I thought I would.
March was a big month for lots of change. So far, change for the better. Hopefully before the month is out, I'll hear about the scholarship. Here is hoping.
He lives in the outskirts of the city, so it was kind of a crazy adventure getting there, seeing as I'm a country girl and definitely not used to navigating rush hour city traffic. Or crazy city parking. But I managed to get there in one piece, so I trudged up to his 3rd floor apartment. He had broken his leg pretty badly so he was recovering at home. It ended up being pretty convenient too, since his apartment is closer to mine than mine is to the school. Anyways. I rocked that audition. I played REALLY well and I impressed him, so much so, that he emphatically accepted me on the spot AND gave me a huge scholarship recommendation! I was stoked. Pumped. Elated. Say what you will, it was like the doors were opening up for me. You know that saying? When one closes, another opens? It's so true, especially if you get off your ass and get to work.
So 2 days after my audition, I went to the university itself for a tour and meeting with Lynn (the admissions coordinator). I have to say that I LOVE the campus. It heavily recalls campuses of the East Coast, old looking stone buildings with ivy and vines crawling up the sides, I love it love it love it. I got kind of lost, but managed to find the music school, which is right on the end corner of campus, with a lovely river right in front of it. I was totally in love. I spoke with Lynn and she was extremely informative and helpful. She gave me a bunch of material that would help Fernando and I find an apartment, what classes I'll have to take for my degree, etc. Above and beyond. After we spoke for awhile, she gave me a quick tour of the building, and then took me to an orchestra rehearsal. The orchestra alone plays 5 concerts in a school year, and one of those is an OPERA cycle. Yeah, I'm totally in love.
So this week, I had to send in some recommendation letters to the music department for my music school application to be complete. I asked my old orchestra teacher to help me out, and he sent one in on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait. Not wait to be accepted, but wait to see how much my scholarship is. Obviously, the more the better.
I also quit WoW, finally. It was kind of a long time coming, you know? I've been having less and less fun in that game as the months went on, so I closed up the guild, told the members, sent them all some good stuff out of the guild bank, and cancelled my subscription. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Now it's been a week since I quit and seriously...I feel amazing. I don't have something weighing me down. I don't have to sign on to a game that was becoming less and less fun at such and such time every night to get squabbling whispers about loot and raid line ups.
I'm actually playing a new mmo now, a different one. I'm a huge Tolkien fan, so I'm playing the lord of the rings online mmo...and having more fun than I thought I would.
March was a big month for lots of change. So far, change for the better. Hopefully before the month is out, I'll hear about the scholarship. Here is hoping.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
It all works out
Last time on Nerdy Musician, I asked for luck. It's funny how things work out sometimes, and you just have to be receptive to the lessons of life. If something isn't working out, it probably isn't meant to work out, not after you put a lot of hard work into it. I mean, I'm not saying that you should give up without trying, but if you're working something hard, and it falls through anyway, there is a reason for that. There is something better out there.
I pretty much failed my audition. It was actually pretty odd how it happened, and at first very heartbreaking. I worked VERY hard for it, I practiced every day for months. I sounded GREAT in the practice room. Sounded amazing. Multiple people came in to hear me play, and I was without nerves, sounding fantastic. But as soon as I got into the room, with Uch and Prof Knific and Fedetov, I kind of lost it. I was so nervous that my hands shook and I couldn't play anything. The atmosphere was awful, as soon as I walked into that room, I was being judged against the impression I had left. I couldn't fight it. That's why it was so heartbreaking at first, because I had sounded amazing like 10 minutes before sounding like a totally different cellist. Prof Knific was being nice, but Uch said things like "we can't make any promises" which just means 'wait list'.
I was crushed for about 10 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got back to work. One closed door doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting back to school, and I'm going to keep working until I achieve my goal. I realized that maybe even if I do get accepted back into WMU, I don't know if I'll return. I realized that I'd be literally working overtime to try and prove these people wrong about me, and if I want to succeed, coming back to an environment like that is probably not the best idea.
With that in mind, I applied to 4 great universities in Illinois. Since I"ve been living here for 6 months I get in state tuition now. I've missed a few of the audition dates for 2 of the music schools, and 1 of the universities, but that doesn't stop me. I contacted all 3 places asking if a late audition ASAP was possible. And of course I'll call these places on Monday.
It can either be heartbreaking or refreshing when your plans change. Right now, I'm exploring my options with joy and excitement. And I'm thankful for this experience, because if I had gotten my way, gotten back into WMU without any trouble, I would be wandering back into an atmosphere that is toxic. Phew.
I pretty much failed my audition. It was actually pretty odd how it happened, and at first very heartbreaking. I worked VERY hard for it, I practiced every day for months. I sounded GREAT in the practice room. Sounded amazing. Multiple people came in to hear me play, and I was without nerves, sounding fantastic. But as soon as I got into the room, with Uch and Prof Knific and Fedetov, I kind of lost it. I was so nervous that my hands shook and I couldn't play anything. The atmosphere was awful, as soon as I walked into that room, I was being judged against the impression I had left. I couldn't fight it. That's why it was so heartbreaking at first, because I had sounded amazing like 10 minutes before sounding like a totally different cellist. Prof Knific was being nice, but Uch said things like "we can't make any promises" which just means 'wait list'.
I was crushed for about 10 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got back to work. One closed door doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting back to school, and I'm going to keep working until I achieve my goal. I realized that maybe even if I do get accepted back into WMU, I don't know if I'll return. I realized that I'd be literally working overtime to try and prove these people wrong about me, and if I want to succeed, coming back to an environment like that is probably not the best idea.
With that in mind, I applied to 4 great universities in Illinois. Since I"ve been living here for 6 months I get in state tuition now. I've missed a few of the audition dates for 2 of the music schools, and 1 of the universities, but that doesn't stop me. I contacted all 3 places asking if a late audition ASAP was possible. And of course I'll call these places on Monday.
It can either be heartbreaking or refreshing when your plans change. Right now, I'm exploring my options with joy and excitement. And I'm thankful for this experience, because if I had gotten my way, gotten back into WMU without any trouble, I would be wandering back into an atmosphere that is toxic. Phew.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A plea to the forces of the Universe for luck
I'm prepared, I know my music completely by heart, memorized forwards and backwards. I've practiced the difficult passages until my fingers hurt. I'm ready, I can do this. How well I do tomorrow depends on if I can keep my anxiety under control, if I can get enough time to warm up (hopefully AT LEAST 2 hours), and what the other kids auditioning sound like. Like Uch said, if all he got this year were little yo yo mas, I'm fucked. But, I'm not a bad cellist. I slip up, but I'm in tune, expressive. I can do this.
War left the guild yesterday. Well, to be accurate, I kicked his sorry ass out. He decided that the guild that has housed him and taken him on raids for the last half a year is now 'holding him back' even though I'm pretty sure we cleared the first part of top tier content first week we tried it. Honestly, what he was bitching about was the fact that I called off raids for one week, and no one was signing on. Raids were scheduled for the coming week, and people have been signing up, but in his dumbass brain, that means this guild is 'going nowhere.' He said like five times that we're crap and we're holding him back, and he's got to move on to 'better things'. So I kicked him out and ignored him, and less than 24 hours later, I found another tank healer, hopefully one without the attitude.
I found this really interesting website will surfing earlier. Read it and be somewhat disheartened at humanity.
http://contexts.org/socimages/
War left the guild yesterday. Well, to be accurate, I kicked his sorry ass out. He decided that the guild that has housed him and taken him on raids for the last half a year is now 'holding him back' even though I'm pretty sure we cleared the first part of top tier content first week we tried it. Honestly, what he was bitching about was the fact that I called off raids for one week, and no one was signing on. Raids were scheduled for the coming week, and people have been signing up, but in his dumbass brain, that means this guild is 'going nowhere.' He said like five times that we're crap and we're holding him back, and he's got to move on to 'better things'. So I kicked him out and ignored him, and less than 24 hours later, I found another tank healer, hopefully one without the attitude.
I found this really interesting website will surfing earlier. Read it and be somewhat disheartened at humanity.
http://contexts.org/socimages/
Friday, March 5, 2010
One week...
Just 6 more days I have to prepare.
I told the guild I wasn't going to schedule raids or sign on at all next week. Honestly, that stupid guild drives me out of my head sometimes. With people complaining, bitching, whining, egos abound, taken people flirting over vent and making the raid awkward, ex raid leader sitting around and refusing to get on vent and just being a putz with an attitude, goddamn, I need a break. Can anyone in their right mind blame me? I just need to get away from these people.
Actually, this makes me consider how I will deal with the guild once I get back into school. There is no way I'm going to have the time and energy to manage things the way I do now. So I wonder, am I going to have to hand the guild off to someone else? G disband? Quit wow altogether? In all likelyhood, probably. Aside from all the work school is going to be, I"m probably going to have a job, and I really hope I have a social life. Haha.
Anyways, the audition material is actually pulling together better than I could have hoped. Concerto just has some minor detail issues, and one spot I need to practice in tempo. Bach is also minor detail work, reminding myself I can't rush. The etude? I'm kind of blown away at how the etude doesn't sound like a pile of crap. I didn't think I would be able to pull the etude off... but I am!
I tweaked the knuckle of my third finger on my left hand yesterday, though. That is something I'm going to have to be aware of in practice in the next few days. But a week from today, I will either be celebrating or ... being depressed. Heh. I don't think Mr. Uchimura and the music department is going to keep me hanging. Unless I do really badly. Eek.
I told the guild I wasn't going to schedule raids or sign on at all next week. Honestly, that stupid guild drives me out of my head sometimes. With people complaining, bitching, whining, egos abound, taken people flirting over vent and making the raid awkward, ex raid leader sitting around and refusing to get on vent and just being a putz with an attitude, goddamn, I need a break. Can anyone in their right mind blame me? I just need to get away from these people.
Actually, this makes me consider how I will deal with the guild once I get back into school. There is no way I'm going to have the time and energy to manage things the way I do now. So I wonder, am I going to have to hand the guild off to someone else? G disband? Quit wow altogether? In all likelyhood, probably. Aside from all the work school is going to be, I"m probably going to have a job, and I really hope I have a social life. Haha.
Anyways, the audition material is actually pulling together better than I could have hoped. Concerto just has some minor detail issues, and one spot I need to practice in tempo. Bach is also minor detail work, reminding myself I can't rush. The etude? I'm kind of blown away at how the etude doesn't sound like a pile of crap. I didn't think I would be able to pull the etude off... but I am!
I tweaked the knuckle of my third finger on my left hand yesterday, though. That is something I'm going to have to be aware of in practice in the next few days. But a week from today, I will either be celebrating or ... being depressed. Heh. I don't think Mr. Uchimura and the music department is going to keep me hanging. Unless I do really badly. Eek.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Poison
It's something I still need to work on, I guess. But once I get in a bad mood, I screw up everything around me. I'm mad at the guild, I'm mad at my boyfriend. Mad at the cello. Mad at myself.
I'm frustrated and insecure. I feel like no matter how hard I work at this audition, at being a cellist, I won't pull it off. I don't have faith in my skill. I think about people telling me they're not impressed, that I didn't work hard enough.
I'm frustrated at all this time I spend fucking babying the guild. Set up this roster here, make sure everyone has enough dps, and then someone doesn't show up, or they give me shit about not getting to show up, and it ruins me for the rest of the night. I don't get paid for this shit. Why do I even bother with these selfish assholes who probably don't give a shit about me.
This is why I'm difficult. I told you it would be like this. I warned you. And you said you didn't care, but you do. It wears on you. It's like wiping the ass of a fussy child.
And now I can't sleep. I think I'll be up the whole night. I don't care. You don't care. Why should you?
I'm frustrated and insecure. I feel like no matter how hard I work at this audition, at being a cellist, I won't pull it off. I don't have faith in my skill. I think about people telling me they're not impressed, that I didn't work hard enough.
I'm frustrated at all this time I spend fucking babying the guild. Set up this roster here, make sure everyone has enough dps, and then someone doesn't show up, or they give me shit about not getting to show up, and it ruins me for the rest of the night. I don't get paid for this shit. Why do I even bother with these selfish assholes who probably don't give a shit about me.
This is why I'm difficult. I told you it would be like this. I warned you. And you said you didn't care, but you do. It wears on you. It's like wiping the ass of a fussy child.
And now I can't sleep. I think I'll be up the whole night. I don't care. You don't care. Why should you?
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