Further Musing

I think one of the saddest things in the world is growing apart from someone. It's worse than breaking up, in my opinion. When you break up, there is an explosion, you yell at each other, you cry. There is a sense of finality to it though. After you stop being sad, you're able to move on. You're a little different than you were, but you're still whole, and you don't have questions and regrets. You don't look back and say 'what if?'

When you grow apart though, it's different. You wonder why you don't talk as much. You wonder why they don't respond to your messages. You wonder why they seem distant when you do actually get to talk. You wonder if it's because of something that you did or if it's just your lives are different now and you don't have as much in common. Perhaps too much has happened without the other there and it just takes too much energy trying to share it.

It's happened a few times for me. For each of them, I wonder if they're okay. I wonder if they think about me and feel a sense of sadness and regret. For a few of them, they're not even on any kind of social networking so I couldn't get in touch even if I wanted to. For others, they are; I see them online sometimes and kind of curse myself for being too much of a chicken to broach the issue.

Maybe it doesn't suck as much for some people, but for me it's really felt. I don't have many friends, so every time one drifts away, I feel it.

It could be an ideological thing. My beliefs are much different than they were five years ago. I mean, it kind of sucks when people distance themselves from you because of beliefs but it happens. I don't feel any sort of need to conform so they feel more comfortable. I'm happier and more content with my life than I've EVER been, in large part because of what I chose to keep and what I chose to let go. I don't feel particularly threatened by people with different beliefs, though I understand that is a common reaction.

I don't know. There could be many reasons.

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I think it's kind of odd that I enjoy writing and characters so much, considering how inept I am socially. I don't particularly enjoy interacting with strangers, but I really enjoy creating characters and having them interact on the page. Maybe writing gives me that degree of separation I need.
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