God, I love spring. It's about one year ago when I woke up from the sadness that had defined my life for so long. Just when the land came alive again, the trees and the flowers blooming again, I woke up too. So now I will forever associate the spring of the world into the spring of my own heart, where everything was fresh and new and wonderful.
My birthday is coming up, along with my one year anniversary to Fernando. I'm feeling light, optimistic. My relationship with Fernando is stronger and deeper than ever, something forged on a foundation of intimacy and true understanding. I'm beyond lucky. I've been blessed beyond imagining.
My Dad had his last ever band concert, and Fernando and I went up for the weekend to see it, take pictures for posterity and such. My brother had gotten a video camera for his birthday (which was my idea :D) so he was running around the whole concert, getting it on film. I ran around with my standard point and shoot. Someday when Fernando and I have more money to toss around, I'll replace that camera. It's about 5 years old.
Life is good.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Reposted to Blog for posterity
I wrote a pretty scathing rant on the state of popular music today for facebook. It started because Suzi was telling me about this song she and her new boy share, Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. I was at best underwhelmed and at most repulsed. It sounded exactly like every other manufactured bullshit song tossed on the airwaves, and it kind of got me going on the entire subject. I hope Suzi isn't mad, since that shitty band sent me on a long, bitter, and cranky rant about shitty music today.
DISCLAIMER- Not all my friends are snobs like me, and so I'm sorry if anyone is offended by my opinion. I have no illusions that what I think is absolute truth and I'll never tell anyone they're wrong because I don't agree with them.
I think since 2005 I have been almost completely removed from popular music. If I have the radio on in my car, it's on 90.9 Chicago jazz, or 98.7 Chicago classical. I don't watch the TV shows that champion 'popular music', such as Gossip Girl. The extent of my knowledge of popular music extended to what I hear from the popular youtube program whatthebuckshow, which mostly makes fun of the artists. Yesterday though, at the request of a friend, I checked out some Owl City, which is apparently extremely popular since the hit single 'Fireflies' filled the radio waves last year.
Let me just say, I was pretty underwhelmed. While listening to a few of his tracks, I was struck at how processed the songs were. The lyrics were particularly bubbly and cheerful, but without substance, which appeals to a portion of the teens and 20 somethings out there. A little research revealed that the sole artist, Adam Young, relies heavily on AUTO TUNE and other processed musical effects to create the sound that so many love these days.
Let me just explain the abomination that auto tune is, for a moment. For those of you who don't know, auto tune is a program that allows the 'artist' to heavily edit his voice and correct any pitch problems that may rise up from, say, lack of ability. It has become so widespread that according to a sound engineer (who wishes to remain nameless) ""Let's just say I've had Auto-Tune save vocals on everything from Britney Spears to Bollywood soundtrack albums. And every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box." (Time, 2009)
You read that right. They ASSUME that you'll auto correct their voice while recording. Doubtless this is so the popular musicians of the day can continue their indulgent lifestyle without having to worry about such pesky things as practice and hard work honing their craft.
What this means for music as a forever growing and changing art form is dire. What auto tune has done has created a homogeneous slop of a sound that from artist to artist, more or less remains the same. Owl City, Ke$ha, Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, they're all guilty of this, regardless of what genre they pander to.
What struck me as most worrisome is that this tactic is calculated. While listening to their music, I didn't get the impression that they were desperate to express their inner creative force, or even to put their own personal stamp on the music industry. They are, more likely than not, interested in packaging a product for easy consumption and I have not heard one tune or track that would convince me otherwise. Lyrics that a 12 year old could write? Check. Liberal use of some variant of I-IV-vi-V? Check. Score your music in easy to play major keys, like C, Bb, F, or G? Check.
I'll cite Linkin Park as a decent example. Years ago, they crashed onto the music scene with a rock rap sound coupled with edgy, raw lyrics. In high school I adored them, as they put to music my own feelings of anger and angst quite well. I would never list them as musical paragons and fonts of endless creativity, but they had a sound and it was theirs. Along comes Minutes to Midnight in 2007. Gone was the sound that characterized them so well, and in its place was the same bland, boring, soulless musical product that had become the norm. They defended their album to outraged fans, saying this was their new 'creative' direction, but I don't think there was anything creative about it. They wanted in on the gravy train, but in sacrificing their sound, they lost what made them Linkin Park.
And the worst part of this whole debacle is, artists of today know they can get away with it. They are merely packaging and releasing what the public wants to hear, all wrapped up in a pretty face (with Auto Tune in the background). Gershwin is old man music, Beethoven is music for corpses. If you want to get with the sound of TODAY, you need to cram it and suck down your processed emo-rock-pop like a good little consumer. How does anyone stand this?
I say we hold our artists to a higher standard, for one. The use of Auto Tune in lieu of talent and skill is unforgivable. Asinine lyrics cranked out without a trace of irony is inexcusable. I beg everyone to find artists who make music just for the joy of it, not because they have dollar signs for pupils. The money and fame that a star invariably finds should be a perk, a side benefit, and NOT the reason you're a musician.
Everyone do me a big favor and watch this video of Frank Sinatra singing "Where or When"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtDOQMyUAU0
Listen to the way he phrases each line, building up and holding back. His voice is expressive beyond my ability to describe properly; he gives life to the words he is singing. And at the end of the song, his voice mixes perfectly with the orchestra and builds from a whispered hush to something powerful. He is perfectly in tune and perfectly in control of what his voice is doing technically, and he is doing it without Auto Tune.
See, back in the 50's, when this was recorded, a singer had to rely on training, talent, and the pipes God gave him to create a track, but I'll be damned if the finished product isn't something more powerful and moving. The music artists today create is devoid of expression beyond a catchy lyric or two, but in days past, a singer had to interpret and express. At the end of this rendition of "Where or When" I have chills. At the end of Miley Cyrus' "7 things" I feel mildly disgusted and used.
The optimist in me would love to believe that this is a passing fad that will die out in a few years and be remembered fondly in "I love the two Thousands" programs. But from what I understand of humanity, auto tune and commercially standardized music represents the easy way out for artists looking for the fame and success without the work involved. If we continue on this track and refuse to hold our favorite bands up to artistic integrity, we might as well have robots belting out the no. 1 hit single on the radio.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1877372,00.html
DISCLAIMER- Not all my friends are snobs like me, and so I'm sorry if anyone is offended by my opinion. I have no illusions that what I think is absolute truth and I'll never tell anyone they're wrong because I don't agree with them.
I think since 2005 I have been almost completely removed from popular music. If I have the radio on in my car, it's on 90.9 Chicago jazz, or 98.7 Chicago classical. I don't watch the TV shows that champion 'popular music', such as Gossip Girl. The extent of my knowledge of popular music extended to what I hear from the popular youtube program whatthebuckshow, which mostly makes fun of the artists. Yesterday though, at the request of a friend, I checked out some Owl City, which is apparently extremely popular since the hit single 'Fireflies' filled the radio waves last year.
Let me just say, I was pretty underwhelmed. While listening to a few of his tracks, I was struck at how processed the songs were. The lyrics were particularly bubbly and cheerful, but without substance, which appeals to a portion of the teens and 20 somethings out there. A little research revealed that the sole artist, Adam Young, relies heavily on AUTO TUNE and other processed musical effects to create the sound that so many love these days.
Let me just explain the abomination that auto tune is, for a moment. For those of you who don't know, auto tune is a program that allows the 'artist' to heavily edit his voice and correct any pitch problems that may rise up from, say, lack of ability. It has become so widespread that according to a sound engineer (who wishes to remain nameless) ""Let's just say I've had Auto-Tune save vocals on everything from Britney Spears to Bollywood soundtrack albums. And every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box." (Time, 2009)
You read that right. They ASSUME that you'll auto correct their voice while recording. Doubtless this is so the popular musicians of the day can continue their indulgent lifestyle without having to worry about such pesky things as practice and hard work honing their craft.
What this means for music as a forever growing and changing art form is dire. What auto tune has done has created a homogeneous slop of a sound that from artist to artist, more or less remains the same. Owl City, Ke$ha, Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, they're all guilty of this, regardless of what genre they pander to.
What struck me as most worrisome is that this tactic is calculated. While listening to their music, I didn't get the impression that they were desperate to express their inner creative force, or even to put their own personal stamp on the music industry. They are, more likely than not, interested in packaging a product for easy consumption and I have not heard one tune or track that would convince me otherwise. Lyrics that a 12 year old could write? Check. Liberal use of some variant of I-IV-vi-V? Check. Score your music in easy to play major keys, like C, Bb, F, or G? Check.
I'll cite Linkin Park as a decent example. Years ago, they crashed onto the music scene with a rock rap sound coupled with edgy, raw lyrics. In high school I adored them, as they put to music my own feelings of anger and angst quite well. I would never list them as musical paragons and fonts of endless creativity, but they had a sound and it was theirs. Along comes Minutes to Midnight in 2007. Gone was the sound that characterized them so well, and in its place was the same bland, boring, soulless musical product that had become the norm. They defended their album to outraged fans, saying this was their new 'creative' direction, but I don't think there was anything creative about it. They wanted in on the gravy train, but in sacrificing their sound, they lost what made them Linkin Park.
And the worst part of this whole debacle is, artists of today know they can get away with it. They are merely packaging and releasing what the public wants to hear, all wrapped up in a pretty face (with Auto Tune in the background). Gershwin is old man music, Beethoven is music for corpses. If you want to get with the sound of TODAY, you need to cram it and suck down your processed emo-rock-pop like a good little consumer. How does anyone stand this?
I say we hold our artists to a higher standard, for one. The use of Auto Tune in lieu of talent and skill is unforgivable. Asinine lyrics cranked out without a trace of irony is inexcusable. I beg everyone to find artists who make music just for the joy of it, not because they have dollar signs for pupils. The money and fame that a star invariably finds should be a perk, a side benefit, and NOT the reason you're a musician.
Everyone do me a big favor and watch this video of Frank Sinatra singing "Where or When"
http://www.youtube.com/wat
Listen to the way he phrases each line, building up and holding back. His voice is expressive beyond my ability to describe properly; he gives life to the words he is singing. And at the end of the song, his voice mixes perfectly with the orchestra and builds from a whispered hush to something powerful. He is perfectly in tune and perfectly in control of what his voice is doing technically, and he is doing it without Auto Tune.
See, back in the 50's, when this was recorded, a singer had to rely on training, talent, and the pipes God gave him to create a track, but I'll be damned if the finished product isn't something more powerful and moving. The music artists today create is devoid of expression beyond a catchy lyric or two, but in days past, a singer had to interpret and express. At the end of this rendition of "Where or When" I have chills. At the end of Miley Cyrus' "7 things" I feel mildly disgusted and used.
The optimist in me would love to believe that this is a passing fad that will die out in a few years and be remembered fondly in "I love the two Thousands" programs. But from what I understand of humanity, auto tune and commercially standardized music represents the easy way out for artists looking for the fame and success without the work involved. If we continue on this track and refuse to hold our favorite bands up to artistic integrity, we might as well have robots belting out the no. 1 hit single on the radio.
http://www.time.com/time/m
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Goofy Fun!
I used to do this a lot in high school, and I think I will start again, since I've changed.
Probably the only thing off about this result is that I like to be pursued very much.
| You are a Social Liberal (93% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (6% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test...
The Liberated Lover
86% partner focus, 57% aggressiveness, 80% adventurousness
Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:
You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.
The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."
In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.
Congratulations!
If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:
Nerds, Geeks & Dorks
Professional Wrestling
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
America/Politics
Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST
You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.
This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.
The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."
In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.
Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.
Congratulations!
If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:
Nerds, Geeks & Dorks
Professional Wrestling
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
America/Politics
Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST
Take The Lover Style Profile Test at OkCupid
Probably the only thing off about this result is that I like to be pursued very much.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Around the Corner
It's been a busy week. Has it been a week? Maybe it's been 2 weeks. I don't know. A lot has happened, that is for sure. After the disasterous audition at WMU, I went into overdrive applying to other schools and setting up auditions for them. I encountered the most positive reaction at Northern Illinois University. As soon as I called the Admissions Coordinator and explained my situation to her, she jumped into overdrive setting things up for me. She and I both contacted the cello professor, and from there I set up an audition for just a few days later. I mean, I had the music all prepared, why the hell not?
He lives in the outskirts of the city, so it was kind of a crazy adventure getting there, seeing as I'm a country girl and definitely not used to navigating rush hour city traffic. Or crazy city parking. But I managed to get there in one piece, so I trudged up to his 3rd floor apartment. He had broken his leg pretty badly so he was recovering at home. It ended up being pretty convenient too, since his apartment is closer to mine than mine is to the school. Anyways. I rocked that audition. I played REALLY well and I impressed him, so much so, that he emphatically accepted me on the spot AND gave me a huge scholarship recommendation! I was stoked. Pumped. Elated. Say what you will, it was like the doors were opening up for me. You know that saying? When one closes, another opens? It's so true, especially if you get off your ass and get to work.
So 2 days after my audition, I went to the university itself for a tour and meeting with Lynn (the admissions coordinator). I have to say that I LOVE the campus. It heavily recalls campuses of the East Coast, old looking stone buildings with ivy and vines crawling up the sides, I love it love it love it. I got kind of lost, but managed to find the music school, which is right on the end corner of campus, with a lovely river right in front of it. I was totally in love. I spoke with Lynn and she was extremely informative and helpful. She gave me a bunch of material that would help Fernando and I find an apartment, what classes I'll have to take for my degree, etc. Above and beyond. After we spoke for awhile, she gave me a quick tour of the building, and then took me to an orchestra rehearsal. The orchestra alone plays 5 concerts in a school year, and one of those is an OPERA cycle. Yeah, I'm totally in love.
So this week, I had to send in some recommendation letters to the music department for my music school application to be complete. I asked my old orchestra teacher to help me out, and he sent one in on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait. Not wait to be accepted, but wait to see how much my scholarship is. Obviously, the more the better.
I also quit WoW, finally. It was kind of a long time coming, you know? I've been having less and less fun in that game as the months went on, so I closed up the guild, told the members, sent them all some good stuff out of the guild bank, and cancelled my subscription. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Now it's been a week since I quit and seriously...I feel amazing. I don't have something weighing me down. I don't have to sign on to a game that was becoming less and less fun at such and such time every night to get squabbling whispers about loot and raid line ups.
I'm actually playing a new mmo now, a different one. I'm a huge Tolkien fan, so I'm playing the lord of the rings online mmo...and having more fun than I thought I would.
March was a big month for lots of change. So far, change for the better. Hopefully before the month is out, I'll hear about the scholarship. Here is hoping.
He lives in the outskirts of the city, so it was kind of a crazy adventure getting there, seeing as I'm a country girl and definitely not used to navigating rush hour city traffic. Or crazy city parking. But I managed to get there in one piece, so I trudged up to his 3rd floor apartment. He had broken his leg pretty badly so he was recovering at home. It ended up being pretty convenient too, since his apartment is closer to mine than mine is to the school. Anyways. I rocked that audition. I played REALLY well and I impressed him, so much so, that he emphatically accepted me on the spot AND gave me a huge scholarship recommendation! I was stoked. Pumped. Elated. Say what you will, it was like the doors were opening up for me. You know that saying? When one closes, another opens? It's so true, especially if you get off your ass and get to work.
So 2 days after my audition, I went to the university itself for a tour and meeting with Lynn (the admissions coordinator). I have to say that I LOVE the campus. It heavily recalls campuses of the East Coast, old looking stone buildings with ivy and vines crawling up the sides, I love it love it love it. I got kind of lost, but managed to find the music school, which is right on the end corner of campus, with a lovely river right in front of it. I was totally in love. I spoke with Lynn and she was extremely informative and helpful. She gave me a bunch of material that would help Fernando and I find an apartment, what classes I'll have to take for my degree, etc. Above and beyond. After we spoke for awhile, she gave me a quick tour of the building, and then took me to an orchestra rehearsal. The orchestra alone plays 5 concerts in a school year, and one of those is an OPERA cycle. Yeah, I'm totally in love.
So this week, I had to send in some recommendation letters to the music department for my music school application to be complete. I asked my old orchestra teacher to help me out, and he sent one in on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait. Not wait to be accepted, but wait to see how much my scholarship is. Obviously, the more the better.
I also quit WoW, finally. It was kind of a long time coming, you know? I've been having less and less fun in that game as the months went on, so I closed up the guild, told the members, sent them all some good stuff out of the guild bank, and cancelled my subscription. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Now it's been a week since I quit and seriously...I feel amazing. I don't have something weighing me down. I don't have to sign on to a game that was becoming less and less fun at such and such time every night to get squabbling whispers about loot and raid line ups.
I'm actually playing a new mmo now, a different one. I'm a huge Tolkien fan, so I'm playing the lord of the rings online mmo...and having more fun than I thought I would.
March was a big month for lots of change. So far, change for the better. Hopefully before the month is out, I'll hear about the scholarship. Here is hoping.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
It all works out
Last time on Nerdy Musician, I asked for luck. It's funny how things work out sometimes, and you just have to be receptive to the lessons of life. If something isn't working out, it probably isn't meant to work out, not after you put a lot of hard work into it. I mean, I'm not saying that you should give up without trying, but if you're working something hard, and it falls through anyway, there is a reason for that. There is something better out there.
I pretty much failed my audition. It was actually pretty odd how it happened, and at first very heartbreaking. I worked VERY hard for it, I practiced every day for months. I sounded GREAT in the practice room. Sounded amazing. Multiple people came in to hear me play, and I was without nerves, sounding fantastic. But as soon as I got into the room, with Uch and Prof Knific and Fedetov, I kind of lost it. I was so nervous that my hands shook and I couldn't play anything. The atmosphere was awful, as soon as I walked into that room, I was being judged against the impression I had left. I couldn't fight it. That's why it was so heartbreaking at first, because I had sounded amazing like 10 minutes before sounding like a totally different cellist. Prof Knific was being nice, but Uch said things like "we can't make any promises" which just means 'wait list'.
I was crushed for about 10 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got back to work. One closed door doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting back to school, and I'm going to keep working until I achieve my goal. I realized that maybe even if I do get accepted back into WMU, I don't know if I'll return. I realized that I'd be literally working overtime to try and prove these people wrong about me, and if I want to succeed, coming back to an environment like that is probably not the best idea.
With that in mind, I applied to 4 great universities in Illinois. Since I"ve been living here for 6 months I get in state tuition now. I've missed a few of the audition dates for 2 of the music schools, and 1 of the universities, but that doesn't stop me. I contacted all 3 places asking if a late audition ASAP was possible. And of course I'll call these places on Monday.
It can either be heartbreaking or refreshing when your plans change. Right now, I'm exploring my options with joy and excitement. And I'm thankful for this experience, because if I had gotten my way, gotten back into WMU without any trouble, I would be wandering back into an atmosphere that is toxic. Phew.
I pretty much failed my audition. It was actually pretty odd how it happened, and at first very heartbreaking. I worked VERY hard for it, I practiced every day for months. I sounded GREAT in the practice room. Sounded amazing. Multiple people came in to hear me play, and I was without nerves, sounding fantastic. But as soon as I got into the room, with Uch and Prof Knific and Fedetov, I kind of lost it. I was so nervous that my hands shook and I couldn't play anything. The atmosphere was awful, as soon as I walked into that room, I was being judged against the impression I had left. I couldn't fight it. That's why it was so heartbreaking at first, because I had sounded amazing like 10 minutes before sounding like a totally different cellist. Prof Knific was being nice, but Uch said things like "we can't make any promises" which just means 'wait list'.
I was crushed for about 10 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got back to work. One closed door doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting back to school, and I'm going to keep working until I achieve my goal. I realized that maybe even if I do get accepted back into WMU, I don't know if I'll return. I realized that I'd be literally working overtime to try and prove these people wrong about me, and if I want to succeed, coming back to an environment like that is probably not the best idea.
With that in mind, I applied to 4 great universities in Illinois. Since I"ve been living here for 6 months I get in state tuition now. I've missed a few of the audition dates for 2 of the music schools, and 1 of the universities, but that doesn't stop me. I contacted all 3 places asking if a late audition ASAP was possible. And of course I'll call these places on Monday.
It can either be heartbreaking or refreshing when your plans change. Right now, I'm exploring my options with joy and excitement. And I'm thankful for this experience, because if I had gotten my way, gotten back into WMU without any trouble, I would be wandering back into an atmosphere that is toxic. Phew.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A plea to the forces of the Universe for luck
I'm prepared, I know my music completely by heart, memorized forwards and backwards. I've practiced the difficult passages until my fingers hurt. I'm ready, I can do this. How well I do tomorrow depends on if I can keep my anxiety under control, if I can get enough time to warm up (hopefully AT LEAST 2 hours), and what the other kids auditioning sound like. Like Uch said, if all he got this year were little yo yo mas, I'm fucked. But, I'm not a bad cellist. I slip up, but I'm in tune, expressive. I can do this.
War left the guild yesterday. Well, to be accurate, I kicked his sorry ass out. He decided that the guild that has housed him and taken him on raids for the last half a year is now 'holding him back' even though I'm pretty sure we cleared the first part of top tier content first week we tried it. Honestly, what he was bitching about was the fact that I called off raids for one week, and no one was signing on. Raids were scheduled for the coming week, and people have been signing up, but in his dumbass brain, that means this guild is 'going nowhere.' He said like five times that we're crap and we're holding him back, and he's got to move on to 'better things'. So I kicked him out and ignored him, and less than 24 hours later, I found another tank healer, hopefully one without the attitude.
I found this really interesting website will surfing earlier. Read it and be somewhat disheartened at humanity.
http://contexts.org/socimages/
War left the guild yesterday. Well, to be accurate, I kicked his sorry ass out. He decided that the guild that has housed him and taken him on raids for the last half a year is now 'holding him back' even though I'm pretty sure we cleared the first part of top tier content first week we tried it. Honestly, what he was bitching about was the fact that I called off raids for one week, and no one was signing on. Raids were scheduled for the coming week, and people have been signing up, but in his dumbass brain, that means this guild is 'going nowhere.' He said like five times that we're crap and we're holding him back, and he's got to move on to 'better things'. So I kicked him out and ignored him, and less than 24 hours later, I found another tank healer, hopefully one without the attitude.
I found this really interesting website will surfing earlier. Read it and be somewhat disheartened at humanity.
http://contexts.org/socimages/
Friday, March 5, 2010
One week...
Just 6 more days I have to prepare.
I told the guild I wasn't going to schedule raids or sign on at all next week. Honestly, that stupid guild drives me out of my head sometimes. With people complaining, bitching, whining, egos abound, taken people flirting over vent and making the raid awkward, ex raid leader sitting around and refusing to get on vent and just being a putz with an attitude, goddamn, I need a break. Can anyone in their right mind blame me? I just need to get away from these people.
Actually, this makes me consider how I will deal with the guild once I get back into school. There is no way I'm going to have the time and energy to manage things the way I do now. So I wonder, am I going to have to hand the guild off to someone else? G disband? Quit wow altogether? In all likelyhood, probably. Aside from all the work school is going to be, I"m probably going to have a job, and I really hope I have a social life. Haha.
Anyways, the audition material is actually pulling together better than I could have hoped. Concerto just has some minor detail issues, and one spot I need to practice in tempo. Bach is also minor detail work, reminding myself I can't rush. The etude? I'm kind of blown away at how the etude doesn't sound like a pile of crap. I didn't think I would be able to pull the etude off... but I am!
I tweaked the knuckle of my third finger on my left hand yesterday, though. That is something I'm going to have to be aware of in practice in the next few days. But a week from today, I will either be celebrating or ... being depressed. Heh. I don't think Mr. Uchimura and the music department is going to keep me hanging. Unless I do really badly. Eek.
I told the guild I wasn't going to schedule raids or sign on at all next week. Honestly, that stupid guild drives me out of my head sometimes. With people complaining, bitching, whining, egos abound, taken people flirting over vent and making the raid awkward, ex raid leader sitting around and refusing to get on vent and just being a putz with an attitude, goddamn, I need a break. Can anyone in their right mind blame me? I just need to get away from these people.
Actually, this makes me consider how I will deal with the guild once I get back into school. There is no way I'm going to have the time and energy to manage things the way I do now. So I wonder, am I going to have to hand the guild off to someone else? G disband? Quit wow altogether? In all likelyhood, probably. Aside from all the work school is going to be, I"m probably going to have a job, and I really hope I have a social life. Haha.
Anyways, the audition material is actually pulling together better than I could have hoped. Concerto just has some minor detail issues, and one spot I need to practice in tempo. Bach is also minor detail work, reminding myself I can't rush. The etude? I'm kind of blown away at how the etude doesn't sound like a pile of crap. I didn't think I would be able to pull the etude off... but I am!
I tweaked the knuckle of my third finger on my left hand yesterday, though. That is something I'm going to have to be aware of in practice in the next few days. But a week from today, I will either be celebrating or ... being depressed. Heh. I don't think Mr. Uchimura and the music department is going to keep me hanging. Unless I do really badly. Eek.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Poison
It's something I still need to work on, I guess. But once I get in a bad mood, I screw up everything around me. I'm mad at the guild, I'm mad at my boyfriend. Mad at the cello. Mad at myself.
I'm frustrated and insecure. I feel like no matter how hard I work at this audition, at being a cellist, I won't pull it off. I don't have faith in my skill. I think about people telling me they're not impressed, that I didn't work hard enough.
I'm frustrated at all this time I spend fucking babying the guild. Set up this roster here, make sure everyone has enough dps, and then someone doesn't show up, or they give me shit about not getting to show up, and it ruins me for the rest of the night. I don't get paid for this shit. Why do I even bother with these selfish assholes who probably don't give a shit about me.
This is why I'm difficult. I told you it would be like this. I warned you. And you said you didn't care, but you do. It wears on you. It's like wiping the ass of a fussy child.
And now I can't sleep. I think I'll be up the whole night. I don't care. You don't care. Why should you?
I'm frustrated and insecure. I feel like no matter how hard I work at this audition, at being a cellist, I won't pull it off. I don't have faith in my skill. I think about people telling me they're not impressed, that I didn't work hard enough.
I'm frustrated at all this time I spend fucking babying the guild. Set up this roster here, make sure everyone has enough dps, and then someone doesn't show up, or they give me shit about not getting to show up, and it ruins me for the rest of the night. I don't get paid for this shit. Why do I even bother with these selfish assholes who probably don't give a shit about me.
This is why I'm difficult. I told you it would be like this. I warned you. And you said you didn't care, but you do. It wears on you. It's like wiping the ass of a fussy child.
And now I can't sleep. I think I'll be up the whole night. I don't care. You don't care. Why should you?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Fingers scrubbed raw
In a new high of self destructive amazingness, I have managed to bite the nail of my left index finer back by almost a quarter. It's not bleeding, amazingly, because there is some justice in the world, I imagine. It hurts when I play, but I've managed to play an hour and a half today despite it.
I'm kind of a mess. 2 weeks until my audition and I'm starting to feel the pressure. This morning I hacked away for about an hour before I had to walk away- I was so tense the muscles in my FOREARMS hurt, which is pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing. I went back again, took things slower and distanced myself from the stress. And it went better, but still hack. I took my hands away from the cello and they were shaking; probably from forgetting to eat breakfast.
I need to keep my anxiety under my will and control. I CAN do it, I can really wow everyone. So I will. I'll take another break, until my muscles don't feel weak, and go back at it again. Repeat and repeat and repeat.
The best thing is, everything in my audition program is roughly under my fingers- it just needs detail work now. I can do that, I can make everything sound clean. I have to remind myself I'm in a good place. Having my program roughly learned is better than still stumbling around. Now, everything needs to be perfectly in tune, perfectly executed. Clean up this shift here, that fumbling finger there.
Even though I feel the pressure, I feel strong and in control. I am able to keep my anxiety at bay. When I feel too much tension creep into practice, I get up and walk away and do something else until I have unwound. And when I go back, I see that I can last longer than the last time before becoming tight.
Now I just need a montage. Heh.
I'm kind of a mess. 2 weeks until my audition and I'm starting to feel the pressure. This morning I hacked away for about an hour before I had to walk away- I was so tense the muscles in my FOREARMS hurt, which is pretty much the opposite of what I should be doing. I went back again, took things slower and distanced myself from the stress. And it went better, but still hack. I took my hands away from the cello and they were shaking; probably from forgetting to eat breakfast.
I need to keep my anxiety under my will and control. I CAN do it, I can really wow everyone. So I will. I'll take another break, until my muscles don't feel weak, and go back at it again. Repeat and repeat and repeat.
The best thing is, everything in my audition program is roughly under my fingers- it just needs detail work now. I can do that, I can make everything sound clean. I have to remind myself I'm in a good place. Having my program roughly learned is better than still stumbling around. Now, everything needs to be perfectly in tune, perfectly executed. Clean up this shift here, that fumbling finger there.
Even though I feel the pressure, I feel strong and in control. I am able to keep my anxiety at bay. When I feel too much tension creep into practice, I get up and walk away and do something else until I have unwound. And when I go back, I see that I can last longer than the last time before becoming tight.
Now I just need a montage. Heh.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Fail raid...
Since I am a pretty insufferable nerd, I am a GM in a world of warcraft guild. Because if anyone knows me, they know that when I get into something, I go balls to the wall. The guild in question is a raiding guild, and right now we're raiding the top tier content, Icecrown Citadel. It's motherfucking hard. It's retarded, takes an obscene amount of teamwork, which up until tonight the guild has been showing in spades.
Tonight, frankly, sucked balls. I think the last time we played so poorly was 4 months ago in Naxx- now there are some scary ass memories. Tonight we did the alliance gunship battle and deathbringer saurfang. While gunship is supposed to be easy train, Saurfang is gimicky, annoying, and hard as hell. Tellingly, we did badly on BOTH fights. We managed to down the gunship battle after the 2nd try, but Saurfang took 5 attempts, which is pretty pathetic by our usual standards.
It was the execution. Dps is pretty good, healers (myself and warbringer) and the tanks (fernando and andrax) are great. But this fight has a lot to do with crowd control, and for some special reason it took us 5 tries to get that part down. And everyone was playing poorly tonight. Warbringer is a generally ok guy, but he's cocky as all hell. When he's doing great, everything is awesome; his pontificating on how leet he is can be endearing. When he screws the raid over not healing the tanks like he's supposed to, he becomes petulant and butthurt, especially if you bring it to his attention that he's not doing his job.
We had a problem with Nubbz too- earlier before raid, he was going on and on about he was super leet in this fight, how he always crowd controls by himself. He also made a comment about how he expected Fernando to screw us over because Pally tanks are weak in that fight (pally tanks use a lot of aoe, which you can't do for fear of messing up the crowd control). I thought it was a pretty poor assumption of someone who has proved themself to be skilled at tanking. It was especially interesting when Nubbs had to get help from the other druid we had along for crowd control- he STILL tried to blame it on Fernando sometime around wipe 4. So stupid.
Anyways, we managed to down the boss, but it wasn't really a victory. Both Fernando and I were too annoyed to take part in the celebrations. And we ditched not long after.
Tomorrow, I'm just going to play cello, and not deal with the guild. I've got cranky raiders mad that they can't come to all raids, cranky raiders pissed that they're not getting preferential treatment, cranky raiders pissed when I point out the mistakes their making. I feel like I spend all this time making the guild a great place for people to play and I don't get any thing back at all, except for the accomplishment maybe. One person (out of like 40 people in the guild, past and present) has thanked me for doin what I do. ONE!
Like I said, tomorrow, is cello day. The next 2 weeks are cello days. I refuse to deal with any more guild bullshit until my audition is over.
Tonight, frankly, sucked balls. I think the last time we played so poorly was 4 months ago in Naxx- now there are some scary ass memories. Tonight we did the alliance gunship battle and deathbringer saurfang. While gunship is supposed to be easy train, Saurfang is gimicky, annoying, and hard as hell. Tellingly, we did badly on BOTH fights. We managed to down the gunship battle after the 2nd try, but Saurfang took 5 attempts, which is pretty pathetic by our usual standards.
It was the execution. Dps is pretty good, healers (myself and warbringer) and the tanks (fernando and andrax) are great. But this fight has a lot to do with crowd control, and for some special reason it took us 5 tries to get that part down. And everyone was playing poorly tonight. Warbringer is a generally ok guy, but he's cocky as all hell. When he's doing great, everything is awesome; his pontificating on how leet he is can be endearing. When he screws the raid over not healing the tanks like he's supposed to, he becomes petulant and butthurt, especially if you bring it to his attention that he's not doing his job.
We had a problem with Nubbz too- earlier before raid, he was going on and on about he was super leet in this fight, how he always crowd controls by himself. He also made a comment about how he expected Fernando to screw us over because Pally tanks are weak in that fight (pally tanks use a lot of aoe, which you can't do for fear of messing up the crowd control). I thought it was a pretty poor assumption of someone who has proved themself to be skilled at tanking. It was especially interesting when Nubbs had to get help from the other druid we had along for crowd control- he STILL tried to blame it on Fernando sometime around wipe 4. So stupid.
Anyways, we managed to down the boss, but it wasn't really a victory. Both Fernando and I were too annoyed to take part in the celebrations. And we ditched not long after.
Tomorrow, I'm just going to play cello, and not deal with the guild. I've got cranky raiders mad that they can't come to all raids, cranky raiders pissed that they're not getting preferential treatment, cranky raiders pissed when I point out the mistakes their making. I feel like I spend all this time making the guild a great place for people to play and I don't get any thing back at all, except for the accomplishment maybe. One person (out of like 40 people in the guild, past and present) has thanked me for doin what I do. ONE!
Like I said, tomorrow, is cello day. The next 2 weeks are cello days. I refuse to deal with any more guild bullshit until my audition is over.
I'm a fan of you
Once again I delved into the world of blogging. I kept a blog when I was a freshman in college, but after I faceplanted out of school I fell out of the practice of journaling, mainly because there was nothing about that particular time I wanted to remember. But now I've decided that momentary self inspection (in the form of a blog) could be healthy, and useful for keeping my mind active.
I'll warn you right now though, there isn't really anything going on in my life...just yet. Things are in a holding pattern, waiting for a few big moments to come to pass, and then it'll start chugging along again. Well, I shouldn't say that there isn't anything going on in my life, just that there isn't anything NEW. Why do I sound so petulant in this paragraph? Ugh.
A lot hinges on this audition in 2 weeks. Whether or not I'll be accepted back to Western to finish my degree in cello performance is an event in of itself, but on top of that, there is the matter of scholarship and whether I'll gain any. I don't think I will- I sound like a hack. I've always been a hack cellist, and I don't think that has changed.
Well, I should try to be fair to myself. The Bach sounds quite good overall. And the concerto is about 70% good/ 30% questionable. I don't even want to talk about the etude though. In fact, today I should just practice the etude and nothing else.
I spent my whole night trying to think of a name for this blog, and now that I chose one, I'm kind of irritated at it. It's pretty stupid.
I had a blogspot a few years ago, and my friend Dan had created this AWESOME format for it, so I'm going to resurrect that format because it is just too cool to be wasted on a graveyard blog. Cheers to you, my friend.
Maybe I'll be able to convince Fernando to blog again also- he has a very philosophic mind- his would be the kind of blog you can't wait to read the updates just because they make you think. I can't generate that kind of interest. My mind is too tangental now. All my focus is being used up for the audition.
I'll warn you right now though, there isn't really anything going on in my life...just yet. Things are in a holding pattern, waiting for a few big moments to come to pass, and then it'll start chugging along again. Well, I shouldn't say that there isn't anything going on in my life, just that there isn't anything NEW. Why do I sound so petulant in this paragraph? Ugh.
A lot hinges on this audition in 2 weeks. Whether or not I'll be accepted back to Western to finish my degree in cello performance is an event in of itself, but on top of that, there is the matter of scholarship and whether I'll gain any. I don't think I will- I sound like a hack. I've always been a hack cellist, and I don't think that has changed.
Well, I should try to be fair to myself. The Bach sounds quite good overall. And the concerto is about 70% good/ 30% questionable. I don't even want to talk about the etude though. In fact, today I should just practice the etude and nothing else.
I spent my whole night trying to think of a name for this blog, and now that I chose one, I'm kind of irritated at it. It's pretty stupid.
I had a blogspot a few years ago, and my friend Dan had created this AWESOME format for it, so I'm going to resurrect that format because it is just too cool to be wasted on a graveyard blog. Cheers to you, my friend.
Maybe I'll be able to convince Fernando to blog again also- he has a very philosophic mind- his would be the kind of blog you can't wait to read the updates just because they make you think. I can't generate that kind of interest. My mind is too tangental now. All my focus is being used up for the audition.
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