Hope and Inspiration

Back from Puerto Rico. It was . . . well, it was interesting to be away for awhile. It was nice to see Fernando's family and hang out a bit. It got a bit tense at the end, and I'm not going to lie; toward the last few days, I started to go nuts. Here's why:

I missed home. I missed my cello, really missed my cello. I would kind of zone out every now and then, using my right arm as a kind of fingerboard to practice my fingerings. And, I missed writing. I brought my laptop with me in the hopes of writing in my spare time (of which there wasn't much), but that didn't work out. When I write, I have a kind of routine. I sit on my futon, I put my giant headphones on and listen to a very select number of albums. Or sometimes I sit at my desktop, depending on my mood. But once I'm situated, I go for hours. I've spent entire days doing nothing but writing, starting at 7am and only stopping when Fernando comes through the door. I couldn't get into that focus while in Puerto Rico.

And what's worse, once I got home, it took me a few days to get back into the swing of things. I'm only just starting to write again today, and we returned home last Friday. I need to work on my recovery time if I'm going to be a real writer.

Inspiration is a strange thing. I'm finding it kind of an adventure to map out the stimuli that inspires me to write, the things that get the juices flowing, so to speak. There is a kind of understanding there. Writers (good ones, anyway) need to observe and evaluate. A good writer needs a greater than average insight also. It's beyond me to try and quantify all the things necessary to become a good writer though.

I spent the last few days in an absorb phase; I read an obscene amount. Though is any amount of reading ever obscene? I've noticed that I tend to read with a much more critical eye now; I pay much greater attention to word choice, detail, flow, the percussive elements of structure, and what makes a sentence sound good as opposed to clumsy.

I'll be honest; when I first read Twilight, I really liked it. Very much. I was in a bad relationship, desperate for any scraps of romance that could be had in the world, but also it's an entertaining enough story that I enjoyed the way you enjoy a fast food meal; you know it's bad, but you like it. But I'd never realized how bad it was until just recently! I tried re-reading it just a few days ago, and I'm struck by how rudimentary the writing is. I don't think I'm an excellent writer, but I've written better things than Stephenie Meyer has. Fernando tells me my Scholar and the Flame story was phenomenal, and my Leto story was visceral and gripping.

I don't know whether to feel hopeful or discouraged. Does the quality of Twilight bode well or ill for my chances to be published?

Further Musing

I think one of the saddest things in the world is growing apart from someone. It's worse than breaking up, in my opinion. When you break up, there is an explosion, you yell at each other, you cry. There is a sense of finality to it though. After you stop being sad, you're able to move on. You're a little different than you were, but you're still whole, and you don't have questions and regrets. You don't look back and say 'what if?'

When you grow apart though, it's different. You wonder why you don't talk as much. You wonder why they don't respond to your messages. You wonder why they seem distant when you do actually get to talk. You wonder if it's because of something that you did or if it's just your lives are different now and you don't have as much in common. Perhaps too much has happened without the other there and it just takes too much energy trying to share it.

It's happened a few times for me. For each of them, I wonder if they're okay. I wonder if they think about me and feel a sense of sadness and regret. For a few of them, they're not even on any kind of social networking so I couldn't get in touch even if I wanted to. For others, they are; I see them online sometimes and kind of curse myself for being too much of a chicken to broach the issue.

Maybe it doesn't suck as much for some people, but for me it's really felt. I don't have many friends, so every time one drifts away, I feel it.

It could be an ideological thing. My beliefs are much different than they were five years ago. I mean, it kind of sucks when people distance themselves from you because of beliefs but it happens. I don't feel any sort of need to conform so they feel more comfortable. I'm happier and more content with my life than I've EVER been, in large part because of what I chose to keep and what I chose to let go. I don't feel particularly threatened by people with different beliefs, though I understand that is a common reaction.

I don't know. There could be many reasons.

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I think it's kind of odd that I enjoy writing and characters so much, considering how inept I am socially. I don't particularly enjoy interacting with strangers, but I really enjoy creating characters and having them interact on the page. Maybe writing gives me that degree of separation I need.
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At Peace

I think I spoke too soon. For the last few days I've been practicing cello more than I usually do. It's kind of like going on date with someone you had a huge fight with a few months ago. You patch things up, but things are tentative first. Then after awhile, you start to trust again. Is it weird that I have this kind of relationship with my cello? Probably. I never make any claims at normalcy.

Because that's boring, right? Yes.

Anyways, this year will be better though. I'm not doing quartet, I'm not doing any other ensemble aside from orchestra, which is required for music majors. I'm taking 5 classes, and my days all end around 3-4pm, which is perfect. That's enough time to practice for a few hours, come home and do homework. Do some work on my fanfics and my novel.

Fernando and I are going to Puerto Rico for a week. He hasn't seen his family in a year, and they all miss each other tons. I haven't seen them all in TWO years! It'll be nice to see them all sometime before the wedding next May.

Oh yeah! This year I have to plan our wedding. There's my part time job. Maybe I'll less of a girl or something, or maybe I'm lazy, but I'm not having as much fun planning the wedding as I think most women have.

Something Fernando likes to do is make lists. I'll find them all over the apartment when I'm cleaning. I'm a little less structured; kind of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. When I go shopping, I just grab stuff I think we need and it works pretty well. But I might start making lists too, just to organize things in my brain. I might be getting older or some shit, but it feels like my brain doesn't expand with everything I take in anymore. which I kind of hate. I wish medical science would jump ahead another one hundred years and figure out how to make aging less awful. I'm fine with death; it's the whole process of slowly falling apart that I find repulsive.

Wow, anyways, my point is I'm going to start making lists.

STUFF TO ACCOMPLISH THIS YEAR
1. Don't be an asshole when it comes to practice. Do at least an hour a day, preferably 2 to 3.
2. Take notes during lessons with Cheng-Hou. He's a patient teacher, but I'm not going to do myself any favors forgetting half the things he talks about in lessons.
3. Go to class. Yes, for me this is a struggle. I hate class. I think it has to do with an ingrained hatred of classrooms. Finding a seat is always kind of a stressful activity, because I like to sit in the back by the door, which means I have to get there like a half hour early since most people like the back so they can goof off without getting in trouble. I don't like exposing my back to people and I like being by an easily accessible exit in case someone should go crazy and start shooting. I think it's weird that I think like this.
4. I don't really need to take notes, but I'm going to try and pay better attention in classes.
5. Get Bs. I'm not dumb, but I'm lazy. That needs to stop.
6. WIN THE CONCERTO COMPETITION. Pretty self explanatory
7. Don't procrastinate with homework. Easier said than done, honestly. Especially for me, since I work really well under pressure.
8. Have my spring recital repertoire under my fingers by Christmas. That way I can spend Jan-March just polishing.

I think that's about it. I do all that, I should have a pretty successful year.

Long Time No Rant? and meditations on writing

So I took a break from this blog because pretty much all I was going on it was ranting. While it's nice to rant, it's also kind of mean. And irritating. Part of the problem is I tend to keep a lot of that kind of stuff to myself, because I'd rather be miserable than yell at someone and make them feel bad. Making people feel bad makes ME feel bad. Anyways, so that's the deal.

Except, lately I haven't really had anything to rant about. I've been on summer vacation, I'm not leading a WoW guild anymore (NEVER AGAIN), I'm not in school dealing with jerks in a quartet who can't seem to understand I don't have as much time as them to rehearse (yes, this really happened). Instead of ranting, I've been writing.

And I think I've found another passion in life.

Since I was basically an infant, I've known I was going to be a musician. My dad started me on trumpet when I was . . . four I think? I'll have to ask him. Then I started piano at age five and cello at age six. Cello is my main instrument now; I play trumpet and piano for fun and stress relief. Since I come from a musical family, I'm talented. I'm honestly not bragging or anything; it's just a fact. (This isn't bragging when you realize talent doesn't equivocate success or skill).

So I've trained to be a musician all my life. I've taken private lessons, I've practiced, I'm going to college as a cello performance major. It's fulfilling. It brings me happiness.

But it's different than what writings is for me.

Since last November I've been writing fanfiction for Dragon Age, and the act of that alone has taught me so much about writing, composition and structure. Now when I read, I analyze how sentences are formed. Now when I go outside, I don't see things so much as describe them in my head.

It's really strange, and it's messed with my direction on life. I've been a musician since before I was bathroom trained, and yet never in my time as a musician have I been able to practice all day. I do that with writing. I wake up, sit down at my laptop, and just...write. NONSTOP. It's insane. Fernando will come home from work, and I'll still be at it. I've NEVER had that kind of mad passion for music.

This partly came about because I had an idea for an original work that I've been developing while also working on my fanfic. Now fanfic is not only about the joy of writing and telling stories but about practice. About getting my technique down so I can execute my idea the absolute best that I can.

Sigh. I'm not sure what my rambling point is in all this.