Around the Corner

It's been a busy week. Has it been a week? Maybe it's been 2 weeks. I don't know. A lot has happened, that is for sure. After the disasterous audition at WMU, I went into overdrive applying to other schools and setting up auditions for them. I encountered the most positive reaction at Northern Illinois University. As soon as I called the Admissions Coordinator and explained my situation to her, she jumped into overdrive setting things up for me. She and I both contacted the cello professor, and from there I set up an audition for just a few days later. I mean, I had the music all prepared, why the hell not?

He lives in the outskirts of the city, so it was kind of a crazy adventure getting there, seeing as I'm a country girl and definitely not used to navigating rush hour city traffic. Or crazy city parking. But I managed to get there in one piece, so I trudged up to his 3rd floor apartment. He had broken his leg pretty badly so he was recovering at home. It ended up being pretty convenient too, since his apartment is closer to mine than mine is to the school. Anyways. I rocked that audition. I played REALLY well and I impressed him, so much so, that he emphatically accepted me on the spot AND gave me a huge scholarship recommendation! I was stoked. Pumped. Elated. Say what you will, it was like the doors were opening up for me. You know that saying? When one closes, another opens? It's so true, especially if you get off your ass and get to work.

So 2 days after my audition, I went to the university itself for a tour and meeting with Lynn (the admissions coordinator). I have to say that I LOVE the campus. It heavily recalls campuses of the East Coast, old looking stone buildings with ivy and vines crawling up the sides, I love it love it love it. I got kind of lost, but managed to find the music school, which is right on the end corner of campus, with a lovely river right in front of it. I was totally in love. I spoke with Lynn and she was extremely informative and helpful. She gave me a bunch of material that would help Fernando and I find an apartment, what classes I'll have to take for my degree, etc. Above and beyond. After we spoke for awhile, she gave me a quick tour of the building, and then took me to an orchestra rehearsal. The orchestra alone plays 5 concerts in a school year, and one of those is an OPERA cycle. Yeah, I'm totally in love.

So this week, I had to send in some recommendation letters to the music department for my music school application to be complete. I asked my old orchestra teacher to help me out, and he sent one in on Tuesday. Now I just have to wait. Not wait to be accepted, but wait to see how much my scholarship is. Obviously, the more the better.

I also quit WoW, finally. It was kind of a long time coming, you know? I've been having less and less fun in that game as the months went on, so I closed up the guild, told the members, sent them all some good stuff out of the guild bank, and cancelled my subscription. It was like a weight off my shoulders. Now it's been a week since I quit and seriously...I feel amazing. I don't have something weighing me down. I don't have to sign on to a game that was becoming less and less fun at such and such time every night to get squabbling whispers about loot and raid line ups.

I'm actually playing a new mmo now, a different one. I'm a huge Tolkien fan, so I'm playing the lord of the rings online mmo...and having more fun than I thought I would.

March was a big month for lots of change. So far, change for the better. Hopefully before the month is out, I'll hear about the scholarship. Here is hoping.

It all works out

Last time on Nerdy Musician, I asked for luck. It's funny how things work out sometimes, and you just have to be receptive to the lessons of life. If something isn't working out, it probably isn't meant to work out, not after you put a lot of hard work into it. I mean, I'm not saying that you should give up without trying, but if you're working something hard, and it falls through anyway, there is a reason for that. There is something better out there.

I pretty much failed my audition. It was actually pretty odd how it happened, and at first very heartbreaking. I worked VERY hard for it, I practiced every day for months. I sounded GREAT in the practice room. Sounded amazing. Multiple people came in to hear me play, and I was without nerves, sounding fantastic. But as soon as I got into the room, with Uch and Prof Knific and Fedetov, I kind of lost it. I was so nervous that my hands shook and I couldn't play anything. The atmosphere was awful, as soon as I walked into that room, I was being judged against the impression I had left. I couldn't fight it. That's why it was so heartbreaking at first, because I had sounded amazing like 10 minutes before sounding like a totally different cellist. Prof Knific was being nice, but Uch said things like "we can't make any promises" which just means 'wait list'.

I was crushed for about 10 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got back to work. One closed door doesn't mean squat when it comes to getting back to school, and I'm going to keep working until I achieve my goal. I realized that maybe even if I do get accepted back into WMU, I don't know if I'll return. I realized that I'd be literally working overtime to try and prove these people wrong about me, and if I want to succeed, coming back to an environment like that is probably not the best idea.

With that in mind, I applied to 4 great universities in Illinois. Since I"ve been living here for 6 months I get in state tuition now. I've missed a few of the audition dates for 2 of the music schools, and 1 of the universities, but that doesn't stop me. I contacted all 3 places asking if a late audition ASAP was possible. And of course I'll call these places on Monday.

It can either be heartbreaking or refreshing when your plans change. Right now, I'm exploring my options with joy and excitement. And I'm thankful for this experience, because if I had gotten my way, gotten back into WMU without any trouble, I would be wandering back into an atmosphere that is toxic. Phew.

A plea to the forces of the Universe for luck

I'm prepared, I know my music completely by heart, memorized forwards and backwards. I've practiced the difficult passages until my fingers hurt. I'm ready, I can do this. How well I do tomorrow depends on if I can keep my anxiety under control, if I can get enough time to warm up (hopefully AT LEAST 2 hours), and what the other kids auditioning sound like. Like Uch said, if all he got this year were little yo yo mas, I'm fucked. But, I'm not a bad cellist. I slip up, but I'm in tune, expressive. I can do this.

War left the guild yesterday. Well, to be accurate, I kicked his sorry ass out. He decided that the guild that has housed him and taken him on raids for the last half a year is now 'holding him back' even though I'm pretty sure we cleared the first part of top tier content first week we tried it. Honestly, what he was bitching about was the fact that I called off raids for one week, and no one was signing on. Raids were scheduled for the coming week, and people have been signing up, but in his dumbass brain, that means this guild is 'going nowhere.' He said like five times that we're crap and we're holding him back, and he's got to move on to 'better things'. So I kicked him out and ignored him, and less than 24 hours later, I found another tank healer, hopefully one without the attitude.

I found this really interesting website will surfing earlier. Read it and be somewhat disheartened at humanity.
http://contexts.org/socimages/

One week...

Just 6 more days I have to prepare.

I told the guild I wasn't going to schedule raids or sign on at all next week. Honestly, that stupid guild drives me out of my head sometimes. With people complaining, bitching, whining, egos abound, taken people flirting over vent and making the raid awkward, ex raid leader sitting around and refusing to get on vent and just being a putz with an attitude, goddamn, I need a break. Can anyone in their right mind blame me? I just need to get away from these people.

Actually, this makes me consider how I will deal with the guild once I get back into school. There is no way I'm going to have the time and energy to manage things the way I do now. So I wonder, am I going to have to hand the guild off to someone else? G disband? Quit wow altogether? In all likelyhood, probably. Aside from all the work school is going to be, I"m probably going to have a job, and I really hope I have a social life. Haha.

Anyways, the audition material is actually pulling together better than I could have hoped. Concerto just has some minor detail issues, and one spot I need to practice in tempo. Bach is also minor detail work, reminding myself I can't rush. The etude? I'm kind of blown away at how the etude doesn't sound like a pile of crap. I didn't think I would be able to pull the etude off... but I am!

I tweaked the knuckle of my third finger on my left hand yesterday, though. That is something I'm going to have to be aware of in practice in the next few days. But a week from today, I will either be celebrating or ... being depressed. Heh. I don't think Mr. Uchimura and the music department is going to keep me hanging. Unless I do really badly. Eek.

Poison

It's something I still need to work on, I guess. But once I get in a bad mood, I screw up everything around me. I'm mad at the guild, I'm mad at my boyfriend. Mad at the cello. Mad at myself.

I'm frustrated and insecure. I feel like no matter how hard I work at this audition, at being a cellist, I won't pull it off. I don't have faith in my skill. I think about people telling me they're not impressed, that I didn't work hard enough.

I'm frustrated at all this time I spend fucking babying the guild. Set up this roster here, make sure everyone has enough dps, and then someone doesn't show up, or they give me shit about not getting to show up, and it ruins me for the rest of the night. I don't get paid for this shit. Why do I even bother with these selfish assholes who probably don't give a shit about me.

This is why I'm difficult. I told you it would be like this. I warned you. And you said you didn't care, but you do. It wears on you. It's like wiping the ass of a fussy child.

And now I can't sleep. I think I'll be up the whole night. I don't care. You don't care. Why should you?