That breach

It's times like these where I wonder if there is seriously something wrong with me. It's a fair enough assumption. Most of the time I just wander along in life, forcefully oblivious to the fact that I am awkward and usually not on the same wavelength with my peers. It's a common enough occurrence that it can generally be ignored. But then there are days like today where I am nearly assaulted by the realization that I just don't mesh with people and the world and the trajectory expected of me.

Via the horrifying wonder that is facebook, I realized that I am just... not on the same page. Specifically, most of the people I went to high school with are settling down now; getting married, buying houses, having kids.

I hate this. I mean, I don't hate that they're doing this; it's the standard for a reason. It brings them a lot of joy and fulfillment, and I love that. What I hate is the expectation, the assumption that there might be something defective in me for not jumping at the chance to be a real adult. I don't WANT to be a real adult. The most I've been able to allow myself in that front is to get married, which is more of a formality than anything, considering I've been living with my fiance for two years.

I think what unnerves me the most is having children. I know it's expected of me. I mean, come on; it's the responsibility of the human race to procreate. But the thought of having children of my own terrifies me. I'm not talking about a vague sense of discomfort. I'm talking whenever I think about being pregnant and raising a child, my stomach curls in on itself, and I feel the urge to vomit. I'm talking a real, white-boned fear.

It's a few things. First of the all, pregnancy itself is horrifying. I'm vain enough to not want to gain weight at all, and some of the things I read about pregnancy just make my skin crawl. I'm not going to go into them, because like I said, they scare me. But at the core of this fear is something deeper. I'm terrified of actually raising a kid.

For one thing, I like being a giant kid myself. I stay up late, sometimes I have popcorn for dinner. I can spend a whole day writing if I want, or playing the cello. Fernando and I have the freedom to go on dates whenever we want, and we're more or less at liberty to spend whatever we want (I say more or less because Fernando is very frugal).

But beneath all that selfishness and vanity is the real crux of the issue; I am scared to death of ruining some kid. Of screwing up parenting. I mean, it's a fair assumption. I'm not a perfectionist, I'm clumsy, I'm awkward. I screw up things with the ease of breathing. It's just, when you think about it, every single thing you do and don't do will affect that child somehow. Extremes of either side result in dire repercussions for your child, and so you're required to perform this impossible balancing act. You're up there on that wire and pitching over on either side is dire.

THis is the fear I'm talking about. Even just speculating what it would be like to be a parent fills me with such fear that I don't know what to do with myself. I wouldn't call myself a cowardly person. I like adventures and exploring. I dislike conflict, but that doesn't have to do with bravery. But just mention becoming a parent and all that just vanishes in a snap.

So that's what I'm talking about. I have to assume that my peers don't feel this fear, and if they do it's not to this extent, because I can't imagine them going through with having kids if they felt the way I feel about it. And then, I realize that we're just encased in different spheres, different lives. They're adults, and I'm a random woman-child, running around taking part in foolish nonsense, scared of the important things.